Riding in our 18 wheeler rolling down the road at a pleasant clip I do not want the wheels to stop. I know what is coming when they do. My ass will be his.
Do not misinterpret my feelings or my words. I love this lifestyle. I love being his submissive. I love having him be our head of household. I love that I have consequences this life is easy for me. I understand it. I flourish in it.
When it comes to the hours before prior to a spanking my heart quakes, I desire it I want it but I know the pain to come. I know it will sting, hurt and burn. I know it will be tender the next day. I want to be reminded every time I sit down for the next day that he spanked me. It is the waiting, the ride to the destination of spankville that kills me.
I am not looking forward to a spanking, not in the hours just before the due date no. My butt begins to feel warm and the mere feeling of my jeans across my ass feels raw and treacherous. It feels as though the skin knows what is coming and the nerves are already reacting.
I was so caught up in desire yesterday I worsened all this on my self. In a moment of succumbing to the pleasures of his fingers and touches, I blurted out how I craved for him to torture my body I wanted to please his sadistic desires. Yes I know silly me I said that to a sadist.
Now I am writing this knowing the miles are passing, the moments getting closer that my not only my ass will be afire but my entire body will fill his needs. I am delightfully frightened. I trust him with all of my soul I trust him. I am worried though that I may not be able to process the pain as I should. That I will hurt when I should have control, I need this I need this release, but I still am frightened.
I need tears I need satisfaction I need to feel. 31 miles to go and I will get my needs met.
This thing we do happened to me this afternoon. Over his knees butt shinning and completely submitting to his will. I did not get spanked because I had done anything to deserve it. I got spanked because I asked for it literally. I am trying very hard to work on my recovery. I am trying to put to rest the demons that haunt me.
The craziness has been affecting everything in my life. The ghosts and demons of my past filtering in at inopportune moments and taking my mind away I have been doomed to sit in silence and fight them alone. TTWD when he takes control and I submit to him, be it the sheer dress he loves, BDSM or a spanking, I am assured of his love for me, his passion for me and his willingness.
My husband is willing to experiment and help me conquer my illness. It does not matter if it is my mental health or my physical health he is here to help. This is a love affair where I know I would lay my life down for him he also would give his life for mine. We are a team. A team that is inseparable.
As I try and take baby steps to control my mind. As I move forward to write at the caliber I am truly capable of. As I work to mend the hearts I have broken and the worry I have caused in my family. My husband will be beside me. We may be a Domestic Discipline house hold, he may be the head of household and the leader of our small family, but he is also my teammate as any captain or leader should be. We all have jobs.
I know that no matter what I do or how much I struggle to regain my spirit, my mind, my life. My husband is beside me holding my hand, supporting me when I fall, and spanking my bottom when I deserve it and when I ask him to.
We had our 34 hour restart yesterday in Sparks, Nevada. This weekend is Hot August Nights in Reno and we could have gone, given it was in walking distance of the truck stop. We instead stayed at the truck stop and the casino next door. We enjoyed good meals some gambling and then … LOL
This new adventure with his sadistic side in an adventure of my submissiveness and limits as well. I am impressed with his imagination. He amazes me. I also can stand proud he listens to me. He is repeating to me phrases I have said earlier in the week either from a story I have read to him or a blog of interest. TTWD, this thing we do, when he used that phrase exploded me into such pride.
When I decided to be completely honest in this relationship and be who I am instead what I thought was expected of me. I was afraid that my words would loose merit my ideas swept under the rug. I am very pleased to announce that my DH, my Sir, my loving husband listens more than any one ever has. Is it because I am completely honest with him? Is it because when I decide to say something I say it in a respectful soft and thought out phrases that are non-chastising? Is it because I trust him completely? What is the leading factor of success in this relationship I really don’t have an answer too.
I am enjoying and fulfilled in this life. When the pain of our recent decisions becomes to much I can count on him to help me. When I am filled with happiness and pride I can count on him to happy and proud with me. When I become giddy and silly I can count on him to enjoy my silliness. I can count on him.
He takes my body as his possession. He moves me through doors and windows in my soul. He awakens me as a woman and reduces me to a toy in one smooth movement. I am his.
I wait for him to take me apart and recreate me. I wait for his power over my being. I want to feel his imagination mark me. I want to feel his choices. I am his.
He releases me of my earthly bounds. Yet I am bound to him. For his pleasure I am his.
Every breath I intake is for him. My loyalty to his service is the only gift I have. He loves and cherishes me.
My body moves to his whims. I move to his words and I respond to his touches. I am his.
This love I have I would die to protect. I would put myself in harms way to protect him. I am his.
I have waited my entire life for this. This moment to express my true heart and to have my love for him returned 100 fold. I am his.
I am a happy lucky girl. He loves me and together we are building the relationship I always wanted but never had. I wrote recently about true submission and how I had realized I was submitting and then grabbing it back from him. I finally went through with that step of complete submission. I was proud of myself for having completed that small task.
Then the spanking that brought the water works. I cried and I cried in his arms mourning the loss of so much and I let it go all the loss. Now we are preparing to take another step forward. I have a lot of mixed emotions about this. Sexually extremely turned on, afraid, nervous, and I can hardly wait I am filled with excitement for the time to pass. That feeling is a lot like being a child waiting for Santa Christmas Eve.
This next step we have talked a lot about. We both agree we are ready. He is nervous also. I am a little surprised to hear him say that, but we are husband and wife. He can tell me anything and I will listen. It does not bother me that he is nervous about what he wants to do. His nervousness tells me he is concerned about our relationship and my safety.
The part I need to work on. My task it isn’t my submission I need to work on. I am unique and my task is when he asks for something I immediately go into hyper drive. I bumble, stutter, actually burn more time because I hurry. These next few days as we move to our next step I am to be thinking of this. I am to be thinking that he doesn’t want me to rush. He wants me to slow down and do things without bumbling and stress.
Our next step a practice in my complete submission to him and trust in him, for him it is an exploration of his sadistic and powerful part of his personality. My limits will be pushed but I have full trust he will not take me anywhere I can not go.
Our BDSM/DD relationship is evolving. I am hoping that writing this post will help me accomplish where I need to be mentally this evening. It is early morning in Iowa and I am sitting beside my DH in our 18 wheeler. The corn fields are passing by quickly and I see family farms and dairies over every hill. The scenery is serene and peaceful for me very family oriented.
My problem today is I need to ease my mind into a submissive trance. A place I send my mind that allows me to please my DH with my submission. This is an asset of our BDSM relationship and my submissive personality. I use techniques I have picked up from Yoga and Lamaze to accept and enjoy the pain/pleasure DH gives me. I love this space. I know what is happening I feel it experience it and push myself through it.
Pushing through the intensity of his mind over my body releases endorphins and puts me in a natural high. A place I feel safe, loved and in control of myself. It is a power I relish. A part of me that enables me to complete my gift to DH, yet today I am having a problem turning my mind to submissive trance or submissive space.
We have a few hours of driving before we unload this load and head to pick up the load for California. I have time to change my mindset. These fields and family friendly or family oriented scenery is inhibiting my submissiveness. After we load this afternoon and on our way to shower and prepare for our weekend. I may need DH to plunge me into darkness and silence to accomplish my place.