Our Domestic Discipline Lifestyle

Posts tagged ‘spanking’

Taking My Submission

My communication skills have been lacking. I have to credit to my DH he has been diligently making sure I communicate the last few nights. My bottom is sore and I have a sneaking hunch this weekend it will get a lot sorer.

 

My biggest fault is not discussing my feelings. I bottle them unwilling to admit them to myself or to him. Then this whole cycle of depression, anger and frustration begins we grow apart and then have to struggle to reconnect, which means I have to start talking. I am a quiet soul I do not ramble on for hours discussing everything I see or think. Being that as it is I choose what I do speak about carefully. The words matter and are important, yet I leave out the really big things.

 

There lays the problem the big things. As my butt was spanked last night for stewing my DH said, “He is guilty of not discussing things that bother him either and that he would also try harder to be better about it.” Yet he stews for shorter periods of time than I do and his frustration does not last for a month at a time. He thinks about it, makes a decision and that is that or we discuss and make a decision. He is a team player in all parts of his life including me in everything.

 

My children’s welfare was put in jeopardy financially by my ex-husband and mines past neglect of a financial crisis. The arrangement we have between us is to ensure their needs are met. When the situation began to unfold into a second crisis and threaten my children’s needs. I immediately went into stealth mode not talking but thinking about what I could do to increase income and security for my children. That is not a bad thing but when those thoughts are not shared with DH and I stew with perceived conversation instead of actual conversation I do not give him the opportunity to discuss ideas and help find the solution.

 

I know why I kept silent. I love our DD household. I was afraid that discussing my need to make money and the possibility of coming off the truck would threaten that dynamic. I was afraid that miscommunication would occur and I would end up ruining our dynamic. During this time though of internal strife I was submissive as a robot but not feeling submissive at all and while trying to prevent upsetting our dynamic I did exactly that. I upset the dynamic.

 

I am very submissive today. The spankings that have occurred lately have been well placed and my backside is still red and sore. I know tonight I will probably receive yet another funny thing is I look forward to it as much as I dread it. I look forward to the communication it brings forth. I look forward to the connection. I look forward to giving my submission and my DH’s acceptance of  that gift.

Spanking for Emotional Clarity a Question

 

 

I saw a cartoon today, a spanking cartoon that brought up an issue for me. In the cartoon the Dominant says “I know you want this spanking to stop but I am not hearing you give me a good reason for me to stop. This is about honesty and until you have learned to be honest this spanking will continue.” Although I have that in quotes I paraphrased the line from memory.

 

Wow! When I first saw that line I thought I would love to hear my DH say that to me. Make me be honest with myself and with him. Then a question popped into my mind, is expecting my DH to spank me until I become completely emotionally honest with myself and with him a healthy thing. Psychologically is this healthy that I would want or think that a spanking could or would bring me to be honest with myself and with him?

 

I am a writer and during the past month all areas of my life have suffered while I was emotionally stagnate in anger and frustration. I performed my submissive duties much as a robot doing exactly as told. My sex drive dwindled and since I am a naturally quiet person everyday my DH knew I was in deep thought most days but did not know why. Of course soon he grew tired of making love to a robot with the emotional out put of Rosy Palm and her five sisters. For a good month though I got away with me deep concentration and robotic behavior.

 

I am finally working my way through all the anger and frustration of my situation. I did get the punishment spanking I deserved and it was enough to connect us and I began talking. The question remains though am I wrong to expect my DH to spank me until I become honest with myself. Honest with him yes a spanking is do, but what if your not being honest with yourself, is it right to expect a spanking to clear things up for you emotionally so you know what is going on with yourself?

 

What are some other opinions about this?

31 Miles to Needs Met

Riding in our 18 wheeler rolling down the road at a pleasant clip I do not want the wheels to stop. I know what is coming when they do. My ass will be his.

Do not misinterpret my feelings or my words. I love this lifestyle. I love being his submissive. I love having him be our head of household. I love that I have consequences this life is easy for me. I understand it. I flourish in it.

When it comes to the hours before prior to a spanking my heart quakes, I desire it I want it but I know the pain to come. I know it will sting, hurt and burn. I know it will be tender the next day. I want to be reminded every time I sit down for the next day that he spanked me. It is the waiting, the ride to the destination of spankville that kills me.

I am not looking forward to a spanking, not in the hours just before the due date no. My butt begins to feel warm and the mere feeling of my jeans across my ass feels raw and treacherous. It feels as though the skin knows what is coming and the nerves are already reacting.

I was so caught up in desire yesterday I worsened all this on my self. In a moment of succumbing to the pleasures of his fingers and touches, I blurted out how I craved for him to torture my body I wanted to please his sadistic desires. Yes I know silly me I said that to a sadist.

Now I am writing this knowing the miles are passing, the moments getting closer that my not only my ass will be afire but my entire body will fill his needs. I am delightfully frightened. I trust him with all of my soul I trust him. I am worried though that I may not be able to process the pain as I should. That I will hurt when I should have control, I need this I need this release, but I still am frightened.

I need tears I need satisfaction I need to feel. 31 miles to go and I will get my needs met.

Rebellion Haulted

Twenty-three miles from Barstow and one hundred 32 miles to our delivery site; yesterday I posted about my need to be bad. My need to be controlled and punished unmercifully, about that here and on a Yahoo site I am a member of.

I received some good advice. 1. Just because I feel or have a carnal need to push his buttons. I don’t have to act on impulses take the high road. Behave like a good submissive.

I for the most part have been taking the high road. What I had been doing was soft snide remarks and disinterest in sex. I have been submitting but not really interested. This is not me. I love sex vanilla or alternative lifestyle sex I will take anything from him I can get.

Last night I apologized for my behavior for pushing his buttons and the envelopes. We did not discuss it at the time. He had other things on his mind. This morning I opened up. I made sure he was busy driving. I wanted time to talk about this. I wanted to discuss ttwd and my current fight within to make him fight for my submission.

This brought up a who he is why he lets me get away with stuff and how he feels he is not. I just don’t see the little corrections he does as corrections of my behavior. Primarily because we usually laugh about it and I correct my behavior immediately usually. The past 14 days has been tough. I have been rebelling and we talked about that too.

I told him or reminded him of my frustration and what I believe I need from Domestic Discipline and TTWD.

He said, “What you want is for me to tear your ass up. Take you apart to a crying sniveling mess and put you together again.”

Me, “Yes, I do.”

He said, “I can do that.” Including an evil laugh and grin.

That evil laugh and grin are not fake and nor was it meant to make me laugh. I did not laugh at all. This exchange brought fear, excitement, dread and longing all to the surface. My husband’s sadistic side bubbling to the surface in ecstasy of the freedom to express his true personality I smiled a little apprehensive. We continued toward California.

There I sat tears in my eyes, lump in my throat, a pit in my stomach and a knot in my chest. The feeling as though if I had a tail it would be tucked. I am getting what I asked for. When he gets time, which will be later this afternoon after we unload and shower, I am going to get it.

I road another twenty to thirty miles now contemplating all the new feelings. The frustration has subsided but I have opened up the gates to a spanking that is going to hurt like hell. Honestly I am not happy about that, I am happy that my acting out will end.

I though being a woman and feeling the need to discuss my new apprehension, desire and fear. I needed to tell him I was not looking forward to the pain of what I had asked for although I knew I deserved it. I also told him I wasn’t telling him about my new feelings in a plea for leniency.

He also had been sitting there through those miles thinking. He says he is going to be more diligent with maintenance. He finally understands my needs a little more and my need to connect with him on a regular basis. He understands my frustration. He will set up a schedule and be more diligent with that schedule.

So what have I gotten myself into in these past few weeks; he is expressing his sadistic side, I am a domestic disciplined wife, we have graduated to implements, and now we are going to maintain my discipline and our connection with regular maintenance spankings. The biggest thing I have volunteered little alabaster butt for is a spanking that will be more intense than anything I have ever experienced.

When I look at him and meet his eyes I see a flicker of excitement, mischievous delight, and something else I can not define. I may get by with just a spanking that takes me a few steps farther than the one 2 weeks ago. He may very well take me apart and put me back together. It is his decision. We are learning about ourselves and each other through all of this. OH for the record I have not acted out, been snide, or talked back this entire trip since our conversations this morning. Maybe that will save my backside a little.

Rebellion in the Wind

Rebellion in the wind is biting at me. I really enjoy our lifestyle ttwd is my anchor. My husband is my anchor but rebellion is boiling. I have been making little jabs and pushing him back. He has been for the most part letting me get away with it. Maybe this is a growing pain?

I am getting hints though he is growing tired of my attitude. He hasn’t told me I am cruising but the look in his eyes that silent communication between us tell me I am on the brink of correction. Does this make me happy to know I am on the brink of correction? Somewhere deep within I suppose it does. My subconscious could be directing my conscious mind to rebel.

It wouldn’t be beyond my mind to do this to me. To express my carnal need to be dominated by my husband, my lover. The question though if my rebellion of sorts is an expression of carnal need and desire isn’t that exactly what domestic discipline is not about?

Domestic discipline is a household outline for a marriage a boundary defining model. Carnal need of a woman to be disciplined is not in the rule book or outline so to speak. We as women are suppose to honor our husbands with our submission and our obedience to his capabilities to lead the family.

We are basically not suppose to push the envelope. I know maintenance spankings should cover this carnal need maybe. This time though deep within I want him to take it. I have the passion or the need to see him upset or angry with my behavior. I want him to be impatient and take his head of household position instead of accepting my submission to his authority.

This whole mixture of feelings has me feeling a little crazy. Yet at times when I rebel and talk back or get snide I internally admonish myself for acting and misbehaving yet I feel powerless to correct the behavior myself. BDSM is a willing act between two people in an agreed scene or mutual adventure of trust. What I want is way beyond that ideal too. I don’t want to talk it out and agree to a scene.

I think this rebellion is about pushing his buttons so hard he gets frustrated enough to force my behavior correction. I want to feel his wrath subconsciously. So consciously what is wrong with me? Why would I push the envelope when I know it is fundamentally wrong with any of the lifestyle definitions we participate in? Anyone else ever experience this?

A New Day A New Start and a Spanking

This thing we do happened to me this afternoon. Over his knees butt shinning and completely submitting to his will. I did not get spanked because I had done anything to deserve it. I got spanked because I asked for it literally. I am trying very hard to work on my recovery. I am trying to put to rest the demons that haunt me.

The craziness has been affecting everything in my life. The ghosts and demons of my past filtering in at inopportune moments and taking my mind away I have been doomed to sit in silence and fight them alone. TTWD when he takes control and I submit to him, be it the sheer dress he loves, BDSM or a spanking, I am assured of his love for me, his passion for me and his willingness.

My husband is willing to experiment and help me conquer my illness. It does not matter if it is my mental health or my physical health he is here to help. This is a love affair where I know I would lay my life down for him he also would give his life for mine. We are a team. A team that is inseparable.

As I try and take baby steps to control my mind. As I move forward to write at the caliber I am truly capable of. As I work to mend the hearts I have broken and the worry I have caused in my family. My husband will be beside me. We may be a Domestic Discipline house hold, he may be the head of household and the leader of our small family, but he is also my teammate as any captain or leader should be. We all have jobs.

I know that no matter what I do or how much I struggle to regain my spirit, my mind, my life. My husband is beside me holding my hand, supporting me when I fall, and spanking my bottom when I deserve it and when I ask him to.

Some Frustration

I am frustrated. I know I should not be. This thing we do is at his discretion not mine. He is the leader of our family. I am the submissive The whole point to domestic discipline knowing your roles. I am to accept the discipline or non-discipline action he sees as best. I am supposed to understand and trust his decisions.

I do trust his decisions. He is doing a much better job of handling our lives and goals than I was. I believe that this is best for us and he is a strong and capable man. I am not questioning that at all. What am I belly aching about now?

I messed up. Friday I threw a temper tantrum, I was pissed and threw the bungies I had in my hand on the ground and stormed off to get Mia out of the truck. It was not just him and I working together I did this action in front of other truckers that work for the same company as he does.

You may be asking what made me so mad act like such a brat. So here it goes I am hard of hearing. We were in the middle of tarpping the load I spoke of yesterday. There was this young kid, George, maybe 28 to 30 years old. I am 40-something and this kid is as old as my oldest boy that I raised. I am also hard of hearing not deaf just hard of hearing any back ground noise and I am deaf basically. Put into this picture we are standing between the front of the trailer and the cab of the truck with an auxiliary
power unit (APU) running on the back of that cab.

DH says, “Fold the flap under.”

I don’t hear exactly what he says because of the APU it takes me a moment to look at what he is doing and understand what he wants me to do. Now that process takes a moment longer than actually hearing what someone wants you to do. Well dear George steps in takes my job and pushes me aside like I am an idiot.

DH and I believe that “A wise man listens and a foolish man speaks.” George had been a speaker and his friend Niko was worse. Both of these kids know everything about trucking.

Niko was dumb enough to say, “I have been there done that and have hauled every kind of load there is to haul.”

Oh Brother!

After all of that to be treated like an idiot, I lost my temper.

DH comes off of the trailer and around where George is and guides him away from the truck. I thought DH was just going to stand there and talk to this young person for a while, which aggravated me more because I wanted to get done with our work take a shower and get as far away from these two young people as fast as possible.
DH says to me, “Why don’t you open the cab and let Mia out?”

I threw my bungies on the ground got Mia out of the cab told her to go to her Daddy and I picked up my bungies and turned on my heel to the other side of the truck out of site of my DH and these young men.

I with anger in my heart began to bungie down our tarp and finish that side of the trailer. I was seething with anger. I do not like to be treated as though I have no brains. Maybe I am sensitive because I can not perform the work I studied because I can not deal with people because of my illness. Maybe it’s the fact I can not hear and the perception of deaf and dumb.

DH comes around to my side of trailer “Mia gave me a two bagger of poop.” I glare at the tarp and keep working.

DH says, “Hey you’ve done a really good job over here finishing this up.” I showed him some places I need help or had questions about and we returned to the other side of the truck to finish up. The two young people were gone. DH and I finish I still feel angry.

He again tells me how impressed he is with my work. I tell him I want to take a shower. He agrees and I go to the shower. Although I am mad I calm down while in the shower and I feel better. I also know I have been disrespectful and should be punished. I pushed that to the back of my mind and did not worry about it.

Our day ended quietly and we went to sleep. I was not angry when we went to bed. I was not angry when we woke up and honestly I had forgotten all about being angry. Then I read someone else’s blog post about confession and not allowing yourself to get away with stuff because it is the same as lying. I brought up my anger to DH. We went over the events how I perceived them and how he perceived them.

When George took the tarp from me, DH finished what he was doing and came around to my side of the trailer not to have a conversation with George but to move him away from me. DH told me he would have been mad too if George had done that to him. He knew my anger was really about those two young men. That I was tired of listening to their comments and discussion, DH also said he understood. I asked him why I had not been punished for my anger. “I don’t deserve it.” he said.

Now writing all of this out I see his point. I did throw the bungies on the ground like a brat, but I took my anger and did something constructive with it. I let him handle George and I did not attack DH with my seething. I controlled myself. Wow maybe DH does know

The Sheer Dress He Loves

The Sheer Gown He Loves

Here I am again, wearing the sheer gown he loves moving down the road at 65 mph in a semi. This is the life I love basically naked, him teasing and tormenting my flesh at his leisure. Oh my what in the world more could a spanko/BDSM submissive want? I don’t think that outside of scenes there would be much more to ask for. 24/7 submissive is heaven for me.

I am in trouble again and domestic discipline will take precedence over play tonight. As you know I hate opening mail and dealing with pressures I have no control over. I don’t like my DH having to deal with it either so I hid a lot of important messages, letters and bills. We earned a very good pay check last week and with that my DH called to pay ahead on our insurance. Guess what? We had not had insurance on our personal vehicle since May. The bill was unpaid by me for at that time I was still trying to do what he wanted me to do and not admitting I was incapable of handling the responsibility. The notices and such went unopened and the insurance company cancelled the policy and sent it to collection. Oops! He took care of it and all is fixed, but there is one strike.

Then we went to Costco. We have a business membership that earns us rewards. A good thing since we buy our supplies from there. Well I did it again, I did not open the letters or notices from Costco either. He went to the customer service counter to make certain when I membership needed to be renewed and the clerk advised us of the unopened rewards in an amount close to $150.00. The clerk saw the look DH gave me and quickly added that the envelopes the rewards came in could easily be mistaken for advertisements. Hmmm wonder what her home life is like since she picked up on that look so quickly? LOL Anyway strike two.

Now move forward to yesterday. We are loaded with specialty woods again headed for Georgia this time. Specialty woods must be tarpped which means a lot of work for us. DH decided to tarp the load at our yard in Missoula which is around the corner from the shipper. This meant that other drivers and wives, mechanics, office personnel and management are walking by while we are working. DH removed a plastic utility shelf from our ladder and was pretending or threatening to spank me with it. I said a little to loudly and moving like an errant child, but I have been a good girl. Unknown to us we were being watched and only noticed when we saw the raised eyebrow and quizzical look of a fellow driver and his wife. We just laughed because it was play between us, but still was their damage done? We do not know yet.

I need to learn not to react so loudly and draw attention to us. But he is just as guilty as I am after all he started it.

We have been playing and loving each other. Our unity is bound so tightly. The intimacy is outstanding. Yet I am always amazed that when I think there is no possible way we could be closer we become closer than ever. I feel he loves me for me and I am learning how unconditional his love is. Oh he bought me some things also I did not ask for he just noticed I needed them and bought them. I now have new hair scrunches and some dressy under ware. I really enjoy domestic discipline, although I am not looking forward to be disciplined later today

New Beginnings Monday

I think today would be a good day for a beginning. I mean it is Monday the middle of August after one of our fabulous meteor showers. Why not a new beginning?

My posts have been a lot of regret and why me self pity never a pretty thing. In my defense though when you are of moderate intelligence and you do have a margin of common sense if you turn about and find yourself acting crazy to the point of being damaging to those you love most who would not suffer great guilt.

Yet today is Monday. We unloaded our truck early this morning and we are now headed to Missoula for our hotel and the truck to be put in the shop. This means I get some one on one time with my Sir or DH. We also have a list of ordinary mundane tasks that must be done in one day that most would do in a week. Prescriptions, mail, shopping and oh Laundry.

I was spanked yesterday as I wanted and maybe that clicked my brain. I also talked with DH about the haunting and inability to fall to sleep. Now writing my post yesterday and talking to DH about those ghost’s seems to have helped bunches. I am coherent, spunky, and alive this morning.

I am also a little worried about the condition of my ass after our stay in the hotel. I have been reminded what to pack. His main thing our toys and implements, since adding the bit to his toy bag he can muffle me. Which means no mercy, my trust in him is paramount and I am looking forward to being his toy, but I am also a little afraid of the pain. I love the pain but it still worries me some.

I have decided to include in my blogs a positive about my life and where I am at the moment. Today my positive is this I feel a release from the bounds of guilt and I am going to do my best to perpetuate that feeling for as long as possible.

Emotional Eggshells

My vanilla post:

The reality of emotional eggshells is my current position. I am on the verge of tears or laughter, screaming in pain or sitting quietly at peace. This is not an unusual place for me I spend a lot of time in this position. I am happy in my life, but I squirm in pain for the losses. I can not seem to let them go.

I have had several joyous and beautiful experiences. The birth of my children and the unconditional love I receive from them. The great loves of my life and my passion for them keep me happy. I can laugh and be funny. I can entertain with my humor and I can make fun of myself without hurting myself. Now that is an accomplishment.

The losses though overwhelm me. The pain I can not release. Every night when I lay down to begin to sleep the losses haunt me. My heart and soul leaps and cries as the images begin to fill my mind. I become restless and cry with the deep anguish within my chest. Sleep is not my friend or at least getting to sleep is not my friend.

My conscious hours find periods of these same haunting emotions, but the constant change of scenery I am currently living helps to refocus my thoughts to the positive. Don is beginning to catch my periods of being haunted and can diffuse the energy very well. I have to let him sleep and rest. I try so hard to keep still and quiet when it is time to sleep so he can get rest. Traveling in an eighteen wheeler his rest can mean the difference between life and death.

I have found that if I create a story or fantasy within my mind and concentrate on it I can eventually get to sleep and the haunting images and thoughts are put at bay for the night. There are a few times that I wake us both up fighting swinging violently, kicking, screaming. Poor Don tries to control me to keep him and Mia from getting hurt. So the good or happy story I concentrate on does not always stay with me through out the night.

I know all of this is a direct result of my mental health. I am beginning to lose hope that it will ever be any different for us. I can not remember not fighting the demons of my mind. Will I ever win? Will I ever be able to let it go?

Now do you see why I am on verge of such opposite emotions? The girl must be mad!

The Rest of the Story

Those few paragraphs are from my vanilla blog which I posted this same day. They are truthful of my place on this morning. Since my children and step-children read that blog I don’t tell everything. Our Domestic Discipline side of the story, on mornings like today I feel a great need to taken over his knee. I know that when he does this I will click back into a somewhat normal place.

The tears will flow, my ass will burn and being punished will allow me to move forward. The consequence will be a few days of rest for us both without the haunting. The spanking releases me from the emotional pain.

This situation leaves me wondering why. Why does my mind punish me until the next time he takes me over his knee and my tears flow freely? Before we began ttwd I would sit for months stuck emotionally stuck in a haunting unable to let go, unable to move forward. I am thankful the period of time that the haunting stops is becoming longer and longer. This is a good thing it is a very good thing. The order of my life becoming fulfilled, loving with a twinge of normalcy.

Domestic discipline gives him a tool to help me. He is no longer helpless and must sit and watch me punish myself. He does not have to wonder if my illness is pushing me to far to the edge. He has an action he can take to help. He can take the head of household position and with his soothing voice calm me with firm direction. We can battle this disease of my mind together.

His control, affection, protection and understanding keep me sane. The haunting stops for a time and I can function. I wonder though if domestic discipline had been in play earlier in my life would I be as wrapped and having to fight the disease to survive. Would my mind have healed instead of taking the leap of death it did? Would I have been a better mother? Would I have been able to get out of bed and care for my children as a mother should?

Those questions I can never answer. The past is gone. I can look to the future of our goal of retirement. Maybe my illness and the compassion and awareness my children have of mental illness, maybe one of my children or grand children will find a cure the bad gene in our gene pool that creates non-working minds like mine. Maybe I will be a good Grandmother. Maybe my life was to be to promote a cure in future generations.

I can only hope.