Emotional Eggshells

My vanilla post:

The reality of emotional eggshells is my current position. I am on the verge of tears or laughter, screaming in pain or sitting quietly at peace. This is not an unusual place for me I spend a lot of time in this position. I am happy in my life, but I squirm in pain for the losses. I can not seem to let them go.

I have had several joyous and beautiful experiences. The birth of my children and the unconditional love I receive from them. The great loves of my life and my passion for them keep me happy. I can laugh and be funny. I can entertain with my humor and I can make fun of myself without hurting myself. Now that is an accomplishment.

The losses though overwhelm me. The pain I can not release. Every night when I lay down to begin to sleep the losses haunt me. My heart and soul leaps and cries as the images begin to fill my mind. I become restless and cry with the deep anguish within my chest. Sleep is not my friend or at least getting to sleep is not my friend.

My conscious hours find periods of these same haunting emotions, but the constant change of scenery I am currently living helps to refocus my thoughts to the positive. Don is beginning to catch my periods of being haunted and can diffuse the energy very well. I have to let him sleep and rest. I try so hard to keep still and quiet when it is time to sleep so he can get rest. Traveling in an eighteen wheeler his rest can mean the difference between life and death.

I have found that if I create a story or fantasy within my mind and concentrate on it I can eventually get to sleep and the haunting images and thoughts are put at bay for the night. There are a few times that I wake us both up fighting swinging violently, kicking, screaming. Poor Don tries to control me to keep him and Mia from getting hurt. So the good or happy story I concentrate on does not always stay with me through out the night.

I know all of this is a direct result of my mental health. I am beginning to lose hope that it will ever be any different for us. I can not remember not fighting the demons of my mind. Will I ever win? Will I ever be able to let it go?

Now do you see why I am on verge of such opposite emotions? The girl must be mad!

The Rest of the Story

Those few paragraphs are from my vanilla blog which I posted this same day. They are truthful of my place on this morning. Since my children and step-children read that blog I don’t tell everything. Our Domestic Discipline side of the story, on mornings like today I feel a great need to taken over his knee. I know that when he does this I will click back into a somewhat normal place.

The tears will flow, my ass will burn and being punished will allow me to move forward. The consequence will be a few days of rest for us both without the haunting. The spanking releases me from the emotional pain.

This situation leaves me wondering why. Why does my mind punish me until the next time he takes me over his knee and my tears flow freely? Before we began ttwd I would sit for months stuck emotionally stuck in a haunting unable to let go, unable to move forward. I am thankful the period of time that the haunting stops is becoming longer and longer. This is a good thing it is a very good thing. The order of my life becoming fulfilled, loving with a twinge of normalcy.

Domestic discipline gives him a tool to help me. He is no longer helpless and must sit and watch me punish myself. He does not have to wonder if my illness is pushing me to far to the edge. He has an action he can take to help. He can take the head of household position and with his soothing voice calm me with firm direction. We can battle this disease of my mind together.

His control, affection, protection and understanding keep me sane. The haunting stops for a time and I can function. I wonder though if domestic discipline had been in play earlier in my life would I be as wrapped and having to fight the disease to survive. Would my mind have healed instead of taking the leap of death it did? Would I have been a better mother? Would I have been able to get out of bed and care for my children as a mother should?

Those questions I can never answer. The past is gone. I can look to the future of our goal of retirement. Maybe my illness and the compassion and awareness my children have of mental illness, maybe one of my children or grand children will find a cure the bad gene in our gene pool that creates non-working minds like mine. Maybe I will be a good Grandmother. Maybe my life was to be to promote a cure in future generations.

I can only hope.

I Can Count On Him

We had our 34 hour restart yesterday in Sparks, Nevada. This weekend is Hot August Nights in Reno and we could have gone, given it was in walking distance of the truck stop. We instead stayed at the truck stop and the casino next door. We enjoyed good meals some gambling and then … LOL

This new adventure with his sadistic side in an adventure of my submissiveness and limits as well. I am impressed with his imagination. He amazes me. I also can stand proud he listens to me. He is repeating to me phrases I have said earlier in the week either from a story I have read to him or a blog of interest. TTWD, this thing we do, when he used that phrase exploded me into such pride.

When I decided to be completely honest in this relationship and be who I am instead what I thought was expected of me. I was afraid that my words would loose merit my ideas swept under the rug. I am very pleased to announce that my DH, my Sir, my loving husband listens more than any one ever has. Is it because I am completely honest with him? Is it because when I decide to say something I say it in a respectful soft and thought out phrases that are non-chastising? Is it because I trust him completely? What is the leading factor of success in this relationship I really don’t have an answer too.

I am enjoying and fulfilled in this life. When the pain of our recent decisions becomes to much I can count on him to help me. When I am filled with happiness and pride I can count on him to happy and proud with me. When I become giddy and silly I can count on him to enjoy my silliness. I can count on him.

The Value of a Spanking, His Awareness

Yesterday I posted that my emotions were a little out of check. Sara of http:/findingsara.wordpress.com commented “Send him this post.” I did not have to do that. I had a panic attack. In my DH defense it was not because I needed or wanted a spanking. My panic attack was caused by me stuffing my emotions again.

I carry guilt for loosing my mind and not being able to make a suitable living to support my children. I carry guilt for having to place them with their father because I became to ill to be an effective parent. I have dealt with that guilt and put it away for the most part knowing that guilt is a useless emotion. Life and its struggles are just life and its struggles nothing more nothing less. I know this common sense tells me it is fact and I should just continue moving forward.

My daughter called yesterday afternoon. We had a good conversation and it was happy. I asked a question about her going back to the rental house last week to pick up the refrigerator. She told me the house had already been rented. The new tenant had let her and her father in to collect the refrigerator. My daughter told me she was embarrassed.

That phrase from her sent me into immediate crisis mode. There are things a mother never wants to cause her child pain, shame, embarrassment or emotional trauma. I seem to be good at causing all of these emotions in my children. I told her I loved her and removed myself from the phone.

I continued into crisis mode, I stuffed all that inside and sat on it. Within an hour DH and I stopped for lunch at a truck stop. I would have been okay but DH had to stretch his legs a little and dawdled inside the store. Sunday afternoon in a truck stop/travel center, children and families abound. I kept it together until all the guilt sent me into a shaking rattling mess. I did not make a scene but it was noticeable to DH and he knew I was in pain and he knew what I needed.

Back to the truck he took me. “Change your clothes.” DH said.
This means put on a particular outfit with no underwear that he can see through but others at a distance can not. Sitting in the passenger seat of a truck with other truckers passed or passing makes me very submissive to him.
“Raise the dress, on your knees ass exposed.” He told me.
I did and I received 10 alternating swats. This stopped me from shaking. My face and my butt burned. I sat in the passenger seat and he told me he loved me. “We will take care of this fully after we park for the night. I know what you need and you need to quit bottling and holding guilt. It isn’t good for you.”

We continued down the road I settled down and relaxed. He continued his will as we traveled down the highway and made certain I became completely submissive to him. When we stopped I knew what was coming. I knew I was getting a spanking and I knew why.

“You know why we are doing this?” He asked

“Yes” I said.

He looked at me. I added,

“Because I stuffed my emotions and caused my self pain, which caused a panic attack. We have talked about it and I knew what to do to stop the events and I did not use my tools.”

“Yes now prepare.” He responded

I kneeled on our bunk. The dog was given a special treat to keep her occupied and he sat before me on the bunk.

“Come here.” He said

I laid down across his lap. Staring into the comforter, my hands up by my face clutching a pillow, my feet touching the opposite side of the sleeper he began bare handed. I know he spanked my bare bottom with his bare hand about 20 times. He rubbed me caressed me talked to me about why we do this. Reminding me I need to let go, it is okay to cry, I need to release my emotion. “Yes sir, I know sir.” I responded my voice shaky but know tears.

He then began again this time using the wooden spoon. The burn of the first strikes I could take. I laid still and held on to my resolve to submit to my head of households will, but something inside me snapped. The pain became intense I began to squirm, each strike hurt so much worse than the one before it. There was no subspace or I am pleasing him, he held me in place. The warmth of his arm across my lower back holding me there the strikes of the spoon and suddenly I was crying. I was not crying because of the physical pain. All the images came up my yelling and screaming at my family and then making up for it by being permissive and not follow through with parenting. My parents, my genetics, my mother, the cycle of my childhood I did not want to repeat and ultimately I did. It all came forward. I confessed it all, I told him all of it and he held me. My face buried deep in his chest.

“Let it go. Baby.” He said

“It will be okay. You have good kids. They know and love you no matter what.” He confirmed.

I think I cried for an hour. I know it was more like 15 minutes, but I was exhausted. This spanking wasn’t about punishment, maintenance or submitting. This spanking was about letting go, forgiving myself and trusting him with all of my secrets and guilt. Every step of it was a process to self forgiveness. I know that my genetics are not my fault. I know that part of what happened I had no control over. I know that putting my kids with their father and not worrying what society thinks of me is in their best interest.

When I was a young woman I wasn’t going to have kids. I wasn’t going to propagate the mental illness that plagued my genes. Then I looked at the rest of the world and decided I was in love and there were other mothers with worse genes than mine having children and I took a chance. I was already in counseling taking medication and proactive in the care of my disease. Life is what it is and all my proactive care couldn’t stop the progression. I regret my actions but I was to close to the forest to see the trees. I now know that during my frenzied, self-destructive battle with chronic depression I was unable to change the course.

My children having had counseling to deal with their mothers suicide attempt the melt down and everything that preceded it do not harbor the anger and hatred I harbored to my parents. They love me. I have an unconditional love from them that I do not understand fully. I am relieved they do not hate me. That they want a relationship with me, maybe the difference is I knew at the very end before my suicide attempt they did not need to be harmed by this or at least I tried to minimize their harm by moving them to safety first. My actions may have showed how much I love them.

All of this I let go of last night. I know my path is in the best interest of my children. I know I am on the road to a recovery. I know my husband loves me and supports me. I know I can be a better parent from the sidelines than I can in the thick of their battles. I know I have put them first. I know my condition and history has them fully aware and sympathetic to other human beings. They have a special room in their hearts for the mentally ill.

I forgave myself last night in my tears. I have two remarkable children and no matter what I did or put them through they have compassion for others and I have forgiven myself.

Oh Dear Sir Spank Me Again “Please”

The words I want to scream out “Oh Dear Sir Spank me again.” These words sit in my throat. I ache for his touch.

I have been trying to write my erotic thoughts and the scenes that pop in my mind. I seem to hit a block though after the first paragraph. Beginnings are all over my computer, but none are finished. Is this because I am afraid that if I end a story it will end my lust, which is not at all likely to happen.

I am a nymph about sex. I love it I crave it. BDSM is an accent of that and Domestic Discipline plays in there too. Last night was a BDSM night. He did not take me over his knee. I submitted to him in other ways. We experimented since our sex life is evolving yet again with living in the truck full time together. We have limited space and we are sharing that with our dog. She sometimes thinks Daddy is hurting her Mommy. We have had to make adjustments. Some of those adjustments are delightful some I can not wait for a hotel room to do again.

The Domestic Discipline side of our marriage is still a relatively new practice. I am usually a good girl. I do not talk back or smite. I don’t push his buttons and I am generally considerate of what he needs. I take care of those needs prior to him realizing he needs something. I have always been that way. As a young woman one of my boyfriends referred to me as the no problem girlfriend, he also called me good breading stock, but that is another tale for another day.

My point is if I have a routine I am happy. I fulfill my obligations and we move on down the highway together. The change to Domestic Discipline was to define our roles and put a routine and order into our lives that I function best in. My situation with Chronic Depression is triggered when I feel out of place or confused. I have not been confused and I have felt very in place next to my DH. Yet I yearn for him to take me over his knee and spank me as he did last week. I have done nothing wrong. There is no need for a punishment spanking. I do not deserve a spanking.

What I want is to feel his Head of Household status. What I want is to feel his leadership. I also need a good cry. Moving to this truck full time has me mourning the loss of my children. They are not babies and I am not far from them being adults and me being on the advisory side of parenthood anyway. There is a sense of loss and I am having a difficult time expressing that loss.

I suppose this is where maintenance spanking comes in. The fact that I need to refresh our connection and order in our lives is the need to be reminded. The need to be a follower, the need to know he loves me.

Preparing Myself for Intensity

Our BDSM/DD relationship is evolving. I am hoping that writing this post will help me accomplish where I need to be mentally this evening. It is early morning in Iowa and I am sitting beside my DH in our 18 wheeler. The corn fields are passing by quickly and I see family farms and dairies over every hill. The scenery is serene and peaceful for me very family oriented.

My problem today is I need to ease my mind into a submissive trance. A place I send my mind that allows me to please my DH with my submission. This is an asset of our BDSM relationship and my submissive personality. I use techniques I have picked up from Yoga and Lamaze to accept and enjoy the pain/pleasure DH gives me. I love this space. I know what is happening I feel it experience it and push myself through it.

Pushing through the intensity of his mind over my body releases endorphins and puts me in a natural high. A place I feel safe, loved and in control of myself. It is a power I relish. A part of me that enables me to complete my gift to DH, yet today I am having a problem turning my mind to submissive trance or submissive space.

We have a few hours of driving before we unload this load and head to pick up the load for California. I have time to change my mindset. These fields and family friendly or family oriented scenery is inhibiting my submissiveness. After we load this afternoon and on our way to shower and prepare for our weekend. I may need DH to plunge me into darkness and silence to accomplish my place.

Harmony Enhanced

This chosen lifestyle has its ebbs and flows. I do not know if this weekend was really an ebb, but it was a learning point for both of us. We practiced Domestic Discipline we did not back slide on our commitment to each other. What we did was move from a permanent or physical address to a storage unit. During the next several months I will be on the truck with DH. We will be living in an 18 wheeler working all around the country following the money.

The weekend was stressful and we had small tiffs. We did not fight. I have moments of confusion and he had moments of not understanding my statements. I did get to practice my reactions to events and I did very well. The biggest test was when DH became stressed and he took a statement I made of my feelings as an accusation of his failure to provide. I did not find somewhere to hide from his outburst I stood and listened to him. I suppose the look on my face told him I was not accusing him of being a bad provider. I was making a statement of my feelings. I was feeling bad because I was leaving my kids with their father. My DH suddenly pulled me to him. He dropped his anger and began apologizing to me. He realized my statement was not about him, but about my sadness. I wasn’t accusing him. I wasn’t disappointed in him. I needed him to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. That he understood. I stood there in his anger, I did not run, and by doing so I gave him a chance to see I was not mad or throwing accusations I was hurting. That moment of misunderstanding and then understanding my dear friend is a big step in the right direction, a big improvement between us.

We are learning from each other now. I am not hiding from him as a scared child. I am standing with him as a woman. He is taking the time to look and discover exactly what my statements mean and to understand me. I did get frustrated and snippy. I did get overwhelmed and I forgot things. He got frustrated too and he became demanding keeping our schedule and trying to accomplish so much in 3 days. We made some mistakes but we also learned a great deal.

As the weekend passed and family left I believe I was only warned 2 or 3 times to focus. I am finding with Domestic Discipline in place in our marriage. If he tells me to do something and I do not get it done. I have a very good reason I did not do it or have not accomplished it yet. I communicate to him my situation and why, which lets him adjust things accordingly. Our communication level is 100% better. I tell him if I am confused, did not understand what he wants or do not know how to do something. I am not afraid to let him know any of those things. I will follow this man for the rest of my life and I am happy to be his.

Follow up!

We did it. I trusted him completely and began giving him the gift of my complete submission. I am now more educated about myself and I know that my submission comes in waves. There will undoubtedly be something or some feeling I will surrender more completely as this journey continues.

It was amazing. He took me by the wrist and had me over his knees in very short time. I saw him select a wooden spoon from the package we had bought so I knew it was going to be. I resisted a little, but I voluntarily laid across his lap. He warmed me up with his hand. I did not protest nor did I try to roll off of him. I was still. I did raise my foot at the knee but not my full leg. I clenched my cheeks a little, but I tried to stay relaxed.

He did a lot of listening and when I began confessing he let me spew all that haunted me. The spanking intensified a little when I told him I had undermined him with my children. He was completely unaware of that transgression. It is forgiven and it is done.

The aftermath I feel younger, healthier, beautiful, a weight of a thousand years off of me. I feel reborn, absolutely reborn. My actions today have been joyful and I am listening to his words so clearly. I asked him how he felt about it. He is happy. He feels more in control and loved. He feels the ceremony solidified his place.

We are so much better. I feel loved and protected. This is the relationship I waited my whole life for. I am on my way to be the best me I can be. That is all I truly ever wanted.

The Journey to My Submission: The Lesson of Patience

I have completed some tasks recently I feel good about. My ex-husband returned my phone call finally and I told him of our decision to leave California and the effect on the children I was concerned about. I remained rational and I did not make a lot of excuses I stuck to the facts. At the end of my conversation which my DH had sat quietly with me for support, my DH told me how proud he was of me.

The other task involved my mother and her care at the rest home. Talking to her case worker and explaining that we would do all we could to help but I could not be her primary care giver. I stood up for me and us. He was proud of me there too.

Taking care of these two tasks puts us in a better situation to move forward. Now I just learn patience. Letting go and patience two very big lessons, I told my DH that sexual submission to him was easy. I had not struggle or internal wars with that one Peace of cake.

Full submission is not easy. There are some parts of our Domestic Discipline/Head of Household dynamic that are easy. Letting him have the check book was easy. Listening to his direction easy, letting go of worry very hard.

The other one that I find incredibly difficult to change about me; stop trying to top from the bottom have patience that he knows my needs. I find that difficult. I put out hints. I point blank ask or I confused about this decision and begin to doubt he wants to be head of household. Those doubts lead me to begin to question my sanity and begin me to think this whole thing is my idea and he doesn’t want it.

It came to light yesterday that I am topping from the bottom and I am not patient. I had an Ahah moment. I was sitting here in the truck beside DH as we tootles down the road. I was being quiet and thinking. I was having doubts about his commitment to DD and being head of household. I was thinking about how after our lovemaking that morning the unsuccessful spanking I received. In the middle of these thoughts we stopped at Walmart for supplies.

We did our shopping and I remembered I needed a ladle. We ventured over to the household department and I found my ladle. I put it in the cart next to the wooden spoons my DH had picked up while I was busy. I was relieved to see the wooden spoons. It was a sign that I am not pushing this on him nor am I truly topping from the bottom as I had been beating myself up over. I was in a Domestic Discipline relationship I just need to learn patience.

Then as we continued down the road my stomach began to turn and flip flop. My mind went to the realization that this life is real. Very real he is going to take my submission. Hmmm take my submission that really isn’t what Domestic Discipline is about. Ok what wrong with this picture. The Ah Hah moment struck. My DH can not take my submission from me I have to give him my submission. I had not been ready to give him that, I have been controlling the spanking. I begged him to quit and he did. The failed spankings were not his failure but my inability to completely submit to him. I keep yanking control back.

I finally found my words and we talked about this. I told him that him putting the spoons in our shopping cart was a message to me that I am not pushing DD on us. That he really was willing to follow this path and not going through the motions to please me. We talked about the failed spankings. I told him I realized I was yanking back control during these times. He agreed and he told me this, “when you begin to demand that I stop and you begin to move erratically I stop because I know you are not ready to give me this gift yet.”

Do you see why I married this very intelligent man? We continued our discussion about sexual submission our BDSM life and the ease of that dynamic and the difference Domestic Discipline was and how it meant so much more to us. It all came together our complete choice finally came together in my mind.

Now I sit here learning to be patient. No I have not been spanked yet. The reason why because it is his decision when it will be I am learning patience. I am sitting here a little frightened and nervous. I know the next time it will hurt. I know I am ready to complete my full submission. I know I am ready to trust him fully to decide what is right what is needed and I trust his judgment. Now I just need to finish this lesson on patience.

Desperate to stay calm.

I am trying so desperately to stay calm and collected. I am trying to be okay, but life is biting me in the ass. I am happy that I don’t have to worry about finances that my DH takes care of all of that. I wish I could release my Mother’s finances and my children to him too. It seems to be too much for me to handle.

I can not stop being upset about all of it. I told her case manager this afternoon that by conventional means I am homeless. I am not necessarily homeless. My DH and I live in our semi truck we are in the midst of a financial disaster and can not afford to have an apartment or home and pay off our bills. The sad thing is those bills are mostly medical bills for me. The stress of staying home and dealing with those phone calls makes me sicker. It is just a vicious merry-go-round.

My children’s father will not return my phone calls. Which means I cannot talk to him about my situation nor discuss the impact it will have on our children, I have not told daughter she will not be coming back to the town that she loves. I am nervous lost and hurting over all of this.

I love my kids the thought of not being there for their late teen years is almost unbearable. I feel guilt, shame, a tremendous loss. It is out of my control though. It is not something I can really do anything about. All we can do is keep working and trying. The wolf is at the door and if I open it he will eat me literally.

DH is driving now for our next delivery location. I am trying to be calm. I want to stop and crawl into his arms, but I know we have to keep moving. We have to keep working. My heart break will have to wait until we reach Albuquerque. Then he can hold me and I can let my broken soul be replenished.

Submission to No Spanking

Yesterday with heavy traffic, lying to my daughter and a phone message regarding my mother I was beginning to fall apart. Inside I was mush, a little lost and wanting my DH to take it all from me. I asked for a spanking. “I want you to posses me.” I said to him. He understood how extremely upset and close to loosing control that I was. He said when we had time after loading and shower he would do that for me.

 

I sat back settled some and started to worry about what I had asked for. I did not have an opportunity to worry for long. We made our loading location and that is where my correction began. Loading is manual labor on our flatbed rig and we were loading from a steel plant in Pennsylvania. We arrived late evening and we were loading inside. This should have been a drop in temperature and cooler conditions than being outside.

 

That assumption is completely asinine. First our attire for safety reasons; coveralls, gloves, safety glasses, steel toed boots, ear plugs, hard hats and the kicker long sleeved shirts. The inside condition did not mean air conditioning of fans it meant stuffy and the outside air was humid so guess what the inside air was two times as humid. The load of steel we picked up had to be tied down and tarpped before we could leave the interior of this plant. Water was gold. Indoors also meant the truck had to be shut off and we could not use the auxiliary power unit to keep our dogs cool either. So we plunged them into darkness and left them inside the insulated cab. I checked twice to make sure the temperature in the truck was okay for them. They were happy campers.

 

We had to work hard and we had to work fast. Tying down and protecting our straps is not difficult. Working in that humidity with the tarp and bungies is death defying. Keeping us hydrated as sweat poured from us quicker than we could swallow fresh water wrestling two tarps and then stretching and pulling bungees into place to secure the tarp took every ounce of strength from my head to my toes to complete. By the time we reached the truck stop showers we were both exhausted. DH’s eyes were blood shot from the sweat and I was still shaking from using strength I did not know I had.

 

The point to all this description is by the time my spanking came around as we were settling down for some sleep. Exhaustion took precedence over my alignment spanking. I will not kid you I had fear of what was coming although I asked for it. DH was frustrated with traffic and he was traveling later on his schedule than he wanted to be. Traffic has been that bad. I knew that although he would do his best to control himself I might end up taking his stress of the day out on my behind.

 

Was I relieved when he said he was just too tired to do anything more last night? Yes and No. Yes I was relieved I would not be in pain and I was exhausted too. I admit that after working that hard and listening to his instructions so intently I was more centered than I was when I asked for the spanking.  Was I disappointed that I was not going to be put back into my place yes. Did I miss his attention yes, but I also received his attention by doing a good job and giving my all to help us.

 

I think it does not matter if you are a domestic discipline, sex slave or a submissive, we as women are team players. All teams have structure and rules unspoken or spoken. Sometime while being a team member the individual needs  are changed or replaced by the needs of the team. My submission last night was not in my submission to a spanking, but in my submission to do my job, and be a part of our team. The moral to all this is submission is not all about taking orders and obeying rules it is about pride, understanding and achieving common goals to better your lifestyle. With or without the spanking.

Anabel