Our Domestic Discipline Lifestyle

Posts tagged ‘BDSM’

Taking My Submission

My communication skills have been lacking. I have to credit to my DH he has been diligently making sure I communicate the last few nights. My bottom is sore and I have a sneaking hunch this weekend it will get a lot sorer.

 

My biggest fault is not discussing my feelings. I bottle them unwilling to admit them to myself or to him. Then this whole cycle of depression, anger and frustration begins we grow apart and then have to struggle to reconnect, which means I have to start talking. I am a quiet soul I do not ramble on for hours discussing everything I see or think. Being that as it is I choose what I do speak about carefully. The words matter and are important, yet I leave out the really big things.

 

There lays the problem the big things. As my butt was spanked last night for stewing my DH said, “He is guilty of not discussing things that bother him either and that he would also try harder to be better about it.” Yet he stews for shorter periods of time than I do and his frustration does not last for a month at a time. He thinks about it, makes a decision and that is that or we discuss and make a decision. He is a team player in all parts of his life including me in everything.

 

My children’s welfare was put in jeopardy financially by my ex-husband and mines past neglect of a financial crisis. The arrangement we have between us is to ensure their needs are met. When the situation began to unfold into a second crisis and threaten my children’s needs. I immediately went into stealth mode not talking but thinking about what I could do to increase income and security for my children. That is not a bad thing but when those thoughts are not shared with DH and I stew with perceived conversation instead of actual conversation I do not give him the opportunity to discuss ideas and help find the solution.

 

I know why I kept silent. I love our DD household. I was afraid that discussing my need to make money and the possibility of coming off the truck would threaten that dynamic. I was afraid that miscommunication would occur and I would end up ruining our dynamic. During this time though of internal strife I was submissive as a robot but not feeling submissive at all and while trying to prevent upsetting our dynamic I did exactly that. I upset the dynamic.

 

I am very submissive today. The spankings that have occurred lately have been well placed and my backside is still red and sore. I know tonight I will probably receive yet another funny thing is I look forward to it as much as I dread it. I look forward to the communication it brings forth. I look forward to the connection. I look forward to giving my submission and my DH’s acceptance of  that gift.

Spanking for Emotional Clarity a Question

 

 

I saw a cartoon today, a spanking cartoon that brought up an issue for me. In the cartoon the Dominant says “I know you want this spanking to stop but I am not hearing you give me a good reason for me to stop. This is about honesty and until you have learned to be honest this spanking will continue.” Although I have that in quotes I paraphrased the line from memory.

 

Wow! When I first saw that line I thought I would love to hear my DH say that to me. Make me be honest with myself and with him. Then a question popped into my mind, is expecting my DH to spank me until I become completely emotionally honest with myself and with him a healthy thing. Psychologically is this healthy that I would want or think that a spanking could or would bring me to be honest with myself and with him?

 

I am a writer and during the past month all areas of my life have suffered while I was emotionally stagnate in anger and frustration. I performed my submissive duties much as a robot doing exactly as told. My sex drive dwindled and since I am a naturally quiet person everyday my DH knew I was in deep thought most days but did not know why. Of course soon he grew tired of making love to a robot with the emotional out put of Rosy Palm and her five sisters. For a good month though I got away with me deep concentration and robotic behavior.

 

I am finally working my way through all the anger and frustration of my situation. I did get the punishment spanking I deserved and it was enough to connect us and I began talking. The question remains though am I wrong to expect my DH to spank me until I become honest with myself. Honest with him yes a spanking is do, but what if your not being honest with yourself, is it right to expect a spanking to clear things up for you emotionally so you know what is going on with yourself?

 

What are some other opinions about this?

His Birthday Spanking

I have been rebellious. Our new addition Stormy a black lab puppy has put stress in our connection time. Regular spanking or love making has taken a back seat to the puppy and her needs. Sleep deprivation was a factor also until I realized our puppy had a bladder infection. I had been getting up with her at least once a night to go outside with her. When you live in a small place like an diesel truck this means I had to get fully dressed take her outside walk her and then bring her back in get undressed and settle her back down to sleep. So 30 minutes at a minimum to care for her needs. When I realized her problem I started her on a half dose of AZO once a day. The problem is clearing and now she has so much energy she needs a lot of exercise, but she sleeps through the night. 

That was one cause for my rebellion. The other was a series of hurt feeling and stress of our financial situation. DH takes care of our financial management, but we still discuss it and I am fully aware of our situation at any given time. I get to feeling useless in my inability to earn money or not make enough of it at the time.

I have published my first novel The Phillamanteca; The Story of Jane a parallel story of how I felt about my life from 2002 through 2008. There is a piece of me in all of the characters and I identify with each one. You can find my published novel available in most ebook formats here. It will also be advertised and available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble sites beginning December 1.  The sales will help us financially as I continue to self promote and the general public realizes my ability to tell a story. To read a selection of my short stories you can go to Teresa Wilkinson The Storyteller. This is also my personal blog outside the domestic discipline lifestyle.

When we began our DD lifestyle I was embarrassed to admit I submit to being spanked and figured it was better to keep this our secret. I never told my vanilla lifestyle friends about my BDSM lifestyle so why would I tell them about this. When I read Laura Doyles book ‘The Surrendered Wife’ I became simultaneously became active in a yahoo group that supports women in this lifestyle ‘The Surrendering Submissive’. I choose to use my erotic fiction alias as my alias for this lifestyle posting.

Everything above is stressful. Living this life and then having to back track because of life changes was extremely stressful on both of us. Living in the vanilla world as a writer and living in the D’s world as someone else is stressful. Yet everyone is complex. No one identifies with anyone completely and this lifestyle is the working blueprint for how our marriage works.

DH had a birthday yesterday. I was not and have not been submissive for a matter of weeks. DH had not pushed me to be submissive, he never does. My submission is my gift to him, if I am feeling less than submissive he respects that. I don’t break our rules so discipline was not a factor. I have just been distant. Yesterday I asked him though how he wanted to celebrate his evening. Of course he wanted to give me his Birthday Spankings. I honored his request and submitted. I wish now I had been able to submit these past few weeks. We are connected again. Because of the puppy he did not take me to tears and the emotional release that brings but he satisfied his need. When he was through I told him that during the spanking I wanted to go the full round. I did not want it to stop until I was crying and talking. That will happen soon, but last night it just wasn’t possible there were too many neglected needs and time was not our friend.

Domestic Discipline is a gift of understanding in our relationship. It is also a learning process. We now know he needs to take me in hand not because I have been bad, but to keep me connected when I let life circumstance hurt me and us. We could have been through this portion of misunderstanding quicker if we had stopped sooner and took care of us. Life is a learning thing though, we make mistakes as a couple and we learn together. I knew I was skirting close to the side of my personality that destroyed my first relationship, but I did not have the energy to stop it.

Happy Birthday to my DH and thank you for the Birthday Spanking.

My Teachers Possession

The shackles on my wrists pulled my arms up and away from my back. A chain secure to them attached to the ceiling. My neck is secured by a posture collar and this too is chained to the ceiling. I am exhausted. I am beyond pain though, standing here as I have.

I agreed to this test. Silence, darkness no concept of time I have agreed to this test in a moment of lust. I had willingly accepted the shackles and the collar, although I knew not exactly what the test would consist of it never occurred that the test would be an eternity of stress. The temperature of my existence has change from comfortable to cold, from extreme pain of standing on my tiptoes to relieve my stressed neck and wrists. I have experienced defeat and victory to survive what I assume is a nighttime tested in extreme bounds.

I had cried, laughed and screamed during this time. My emotional torrent is exhausted now. I have nothing left. When my teacher returns will I be able to speak? I wonder will there be questions or duties or will I be allowed to rest? Is the release from these bounds the end of my test or will there be more? I entertain the questions knowing that I will not know the answers until my teacher returns. I have agreed to this test.

I did not hear footsteps or see a change in the darkness. All I felt was the change in atmosphere the change of complete solitude to the pressure of my teachers presence. I feel the chains begin to release slowly. My arms are released to rest the handcuffs on my corseted back. The chain attached to the collar though stays. I must remain on my toes, but I am able to shift my weight slightly. I say nothing. Listening instead waiting for words or sounds I am given none. The teacher’s presence leaves me and my atmosphere is yet again solitude.

I am alone in still darkness. No trace of time affects me now for time has no matter. The test continues and I stand alone. No pain just relief to shift my weight a little.

The teacher’s presence fills my space again. A looming creature in possession of my life now, I care not when the test will end. I only want to please my teacher. I have uttered not a sound, I have only shifted my weight a little and my reward is the release of the chain attached to my collar. I do not quaver my position instead I slowly bring my bare heels to the floor and I stand straight my wrists resting on my buttocks.

The teacher strokes my face but is silent. The hands caress the collar and then follow my shoulders, softly the hands find my corset and then gently caress the tight muscles of my ass. The hands move down my thighs and calves. Then the hands are removed from my body. I have no emotion to this sensation and my mind has enjoyed the caress, but I do not react. I stand still waiting for words, but there are none.

I do hear finally the gentle snap of a leash to my collar yet again. Curiosity stirs but yet again I want to know what is to happen, but I really do not care at the moment I am the property of my teacher. I hear a switch but I am still in darkness and a gentle hum of an electric motor begins to purr. I feel a straw against my lips and I gladly accept the gift of water. I drink just a few sips and the straw is removed from my mouth. I let it go willingly. The soft tug of the leash and I follow just a few steps forward and I am halted. My teachers hands instruct the back of my knees to kneel and a cushion of vinyl planks greats my knees and shins. I am led by my collar to lay upon another cushioned plank my body. My ankles and thighs are locked into place another belt secures my body to the plank across my corset. Then my collar is secured to the bench I am again immobile. My body exposed at the back This position has me opened for a purpose, but I dare not allow my mind to wonder.

I feel my clit being pulled from its protective folds of my vulva. My teacher is skilled in removing my clit from its protection. The teeth of the clamp I was not expecting, but I do not react to the sensation of my clit being stretch away from me and secured to the bench as well. The purr of the motor still accentuates this still place, but I do not wonder what is next, I am a possession, I have no will. I am the property of my teacher and my complete trust is that my teachers will is my destiny.

The intrusion of tip into my vagina is not human, I can determine that in that it does not give to my tightness. It slowly pushes it way inside me and then the next tip again not human pushes into my anus. I am double penetrated and the non human tips begin to spin inside me slowly burrowing deeper and deeper into me. I am being screwed literally but I do not have pain. Just pressure of the spinning tips inside my body.

The tip in my ass feels invasive I wonder if it will tear me apart will I survive this? This thought does enter my mind will my teacher inadvertently or purposefully end my life? Do I care? No I am my teacher’s possession and if my life is to end here I am happy for this test.

The tips quit the rotational screwing, apparently reaching the destination with in me. A moment passes and I hear another switch. The tugging of the tips exiting me and then the pushing of them entering me again each time a little further out and back in. My G spot is being tormented by the sensation of double penetration. I feel the build of a climax but I have self control and I know not to release the building orgasm. My teacher will tell me when and then the teacher leaves and I am alone again in room this time being steadily aroused by a machine.

The tips continue the task I build to orgasm over and over again but I do not grant my body the release. The pain in my clit a constant thought but it subsides and builds as do the orgasms. I am in complete control of my reactions, I refuse to allow reaction unless granted permission. The previous time in modified suspension giving me the strength to control myself did I dose during this time? I feel rested as my thoughts become clear. I feel euphoria of success though I release no pleasure. My power and strength are mine to give to my teacher. I am passing the test.

Some where in the experience of strength I missed the entrance of my teacher into my atmosphere. I am alerted to my teachers presence when the cane begins a familiar rhythm across my back. The machine continues it journey with the additional cadence of the cane. I do not react. I am silent, but the pain increases in my clit, I am my teachers possession and I will not fail this test. I am glorious in being the possession. I am fulfilled in this quest. I am complete. The machine is stopped and my clit is released. I feel metal and hear the cutting of my corset as it is pulled from my body. My breasts released from their bounds but my body still held motionless upon the bench. I am still exposed.

I feel my teacher behind me caressing my butt. I feel the eyes admiring my openness the machine has provided. I feel his fingers trace the marks of the cane and then the sensation of a human mouth exploring my most private places. This touch is hard to resist, the building orgasm within me almost to much to resist and as I hear the words, the command to release my orgasm, I almost miss the opportunity. Unbelieving the words I have longed to hear, my body responds into ecstasy and then complete exhaustion and peace.

“You passed, my dear.” The teacher says.

This is the phrase I have waited for. I know what my reward will be and I lay upon the bench waiting for the end of my journey. I am my teachers possession, my body is for my teachers enjoyment and I peacefully wait to finish my processing.

31 Miles to Needs Met

Riding in our 18 wheeler rolling down the road at a pleasant clip I do not want the wheels to stop. I know what is coming when they do. My ass will be his.

Do not misinterpret my feelings or my words. I love this lifestyle. I love being his submissive. I love having him be our head of household. I love that I have consequences this life is easy for me. I understand it. I flourish in it.

When it comes to the hours before prior to a spanking my heart quakes, I desire it I want it but I know the pain to come. I know it will sting, hurt and burn. I know it will be tender the next day. I want to be reminded every time I sit down for the next day that he spanked me. It is the waiting, the ride to the destination of spankville that kills me.

I am not looking forward to a spanking, not in the hours just before the due date no. My butt begins to feel warm and the mere feeling of my jeans across my ass feels raw and treacherous. It feels as though the skin knows what is coming and the nerves are already reacting.

I was so caught up in desire yesterday I worsened all this on my self. In a moment of succumbing to the pleasures of his fingers and touches, I blurted out how I craved for him to torture my body I wanted to please his sadistic desires. Yes I know silly me I said that to a sadist.

Now I am writing this knowing the miles are passing, the moments getting closer that my not only my ass will be afire but my entire body will fill his needs. I am delightfully frightened. I trust him with all of my soul I trust him. I am worried though that I may not be able to process the pain as I should. That I will hurt when I should have control, I need this I need this release, but I still am frightened.

I need tears I need satisfaction I need to feel. 31 miles to go and I will get my needs met.

Rebellion Haulted

Twenty-three miles from Barstow and one hundred 32 miles to our delivery site; yesterday I posted about my need to be bad. My need to be controlled and punished unmercifully, about that here and on a Yahoo site I am a member of.

I received some good advice. 1. Just because I feel or have a carnal need to push his buttons. I don’t have to act on impulses take the high road. Behave like a good submissive.

I for the most part have been taking the high road. What I had been doing was soft snide remarks and disinterest in sex. I have been submitting but not really interested. This is not me. I love sex vanilla or alternative lifestyle sex I will take anything from him I can get.

Last night I apologized for my behavior for pushing his buttons and the envelopes. We did not discuss it at the time. He had other things on his mind. This morning I opened up. I made sure he was busy driving. I wanted time to talk about this. I wanted to discuss ttwd and my current fight within to make him fight for my submission.

This brought up a who he is why he lets me get away with stuff and how he feels he is not. I just don’t see the little corrections he does as corrections of my behavior. Primarily because we usually laugh about it and I correct my behavior immediately usually. The past 14 days has been tough. I have been rebelling and we talked about that too.

I told him or reminded him of my frustration and what I believe I need from Domestic Discipline and TTWD.

He said, “What you want is for me to tear your ass up. Take you apart to a crying sniveling mess and put you together again.”

Me, “Yes, I do.”

He said, “I can do that.” Including an evil laugh and grin.

That evil laugh and grin are not fake and nor was it meant to make me laugh. I did not laugh at all. This exchange brought fear, excitement, dread and longing all to the surface. My husband’s sadistic side bubbling to the surface in ecstasy of the freedom to express his true personality I smiled a little apprehensive. We continued toward California.

There I sat tears in my eyes, lump in my throat, a pit in my stomach and a knot in my chest. The feeling as though if I had a tail it would be tucked. I am getting what I asked for. When he gets time, which will be later this afternoon after we unload and shower, I am going to get it.

I road another twenty to thirty miles now contemplating all the new feelings. The frustration has subsided but I have opened up the gates to a spanking that is going to hurt like hell. Honestly I am not happy about that, I am happy that my acting out will end.

I though being a woman and feeling the need to discuss my new apprehension, desire and fear. I needed to tell him I was not looking forward to the pain of what I had asked for although I knew I deserved it. I also told him I wasn’t telling him about my new feelings in a plea for leniency.

He also had been sitting there through those miles thinking. He says he is going to be more diligent with maintenance. He finally understands my needs a little more and my need to connect with him on a regular basis. He understands my frustration. He will set up a schedule and be more diligent with that schedule.

So what have I gotten myself into in these past few weeks; he is expressing his sadistic side, I am a domestic disciplined wife, we have graduated to implements, and now we are going to maintain my discipline and our connection with regular maintenance spankings. The biggest thing I have volunteered little alabaster butt for is a spanking that will be more intense than anything I have ever experienced.

When I look at him and meet his eyes I see a flicker of excitement, mischievous delight, and something else I can not define. I may get by with just a spanking that takes me a few steps farther than the one 2 weeks ago. He may very well take me apart and put me back together. It is his decision. We are learning about ourselves and each other through all of this. OH for the record I have not acted out, been snide, or talked back this entire trip since our conversations this morning. Maybe that will save my backside a little.

Rebellion in the Wind

Rebellion in the wind is biting at me. I really enjoy our lifestyle ttwd is my anchor. My husband is my anchor but rebellion is boiling. I have been making little jabs and pushing him back. He has been for the most part letting me get away with it. Maybe this is a growing pain?

I am getting hints though he is growing tired of my attitude. He hasn’t told me I am cruising but the look in his eyes that silent communication between us tell me I am on the brink of correction. Does this make me happy to know I am on the brink of correction? Somewhere deep within I suppose it does. My subconscious could be directing my conscious mind to rebel.

It wouldn’t be beyond my mind to do this to me. To express my carnal need to be dominated by my husband, my lover. The question though if my rebellion of sorts is an expression of carnal need and desire isn’t that exactly what domestic discipline is not about?

Domestic discipline is a household outline for a marriage a boundary defining model. Carnal need of a woman to be disciplined is not in the rule book or outline so to speak. We as women are suppose to honor our husbands with our submission and our obedience to his capabilities to lead the family.

We are basically not suppose to push the envelope. I know maintenance spankings should cover this carnal need maybe. This time though deep within I want him to take it. I have the passion or the need to see him upset or angry with my behavior. I want him to be impatient and take his head of household position instead of accepting my submission to his authority.

This whole mixture of feelings has me feeling a little crazy. Yet at times when I rebel and talk back or get snide I internally admonish myself for acting and misbehaving yet I feel powerless to correct the behavior myself. BDSM is a willing act between two people in an agreed scene or mutual adventure of trust. What I want is way beyond that ideal too. I don’t want to talk it out and agree to a scene.

I think this rebellion is about pushing his buttons so hard he gets frustrated enough to force my behavior correction. I want to feel his wrath subconsciously. So consciously what is wrong with me? Why would I push the envelope when I know it is fundamentally wrong with any of the lifestyle definitions we participate in? Anyone else ever experience this?

A New Day A New Start and a Spanking

This thing we do happened to me this afternoon. Over his knees butt shinning and completely submitting to his will. I did not get spanked because I had done anything to deserve it. I got spanked because I asked for it literally. I am trying very hard to work on my recovery. I am trying to put to rest the demons that haunt me.

The craziness has been affecting everything in my life. The ghosts and demons of my past filtering in at inopportune moments and taking my mind away I have been doomed to sit in silence and fight them alone. TTWD when he takes control and I submit to him, be it the sheer dress he loves, BDSM or a spanking, I am assured of his love for me, his passion for me and his willingness.

My husband is willing to experiment and help me conquer my illness. It does not matter if it is my mental health or my physical health he is here to help. This is a love affair where I know I would lay my life down for him he also would give his life for mine. We are a team. A team that is inseparable.

As I try and take baby steps to control my mind. As I move forward to write at the caliber I am truly capable of. As I work to mend the hearts I have broken and the worry I have caused in my family. My husband will be beside me. We may be a Domestic Discipline house hold, he may be the head of household and the leader of our small family, but he is also my teammate as any captain or leader should be. We all have jobs.

I know that no matter what I do or how much I struggle to regain my spirit, my mind, my life. My husband is beside me holding my hand, supporting me when I fall, and spanking my bottom when I deserve it and when I ask him to.

The Sheer Dress He Loves

The Sheer Gown He Loves

Here I am again, wearing the sheer gown he loves moving down the road at 65 mph in a semi. This is the life I love basically naked, him teasing and tormenting my flesh at his leisure. Oh my what in the world more could a spanko/BDSM submissive want? I don’t think that outside of scenes there would be much more to ask for. 24/7 submissive is heaven for me.

I am in trouble again and domestic discipline will take precedence over play tonight. As you know I hate opening mail and dealing with pressures I have no control over. I don’t like my DH having to deal with it either so I hid a lot of important messages, letters and bills. We earned a very good pay check last week and with that my DH called to pay ahead on our insurance. Guess what? We had not had insurance on our personal vehicle since May. The bill was unpaid by me for at that time I was still trying to do what he wanted me to do and not admitting I was incapable of handling the responsibility. The notices and such went unopened and the insurance company cancelled the policy and sent it to collection. Oops! He took care of it and all is fixed, but there is one strike.

Then we went to Costco. We have a business membership that earns us rewards. A good thing since we buy our supplies from there. Well I did it again, I did not open the letters or notices from Costco either. He went to the customer service counter to make certain when I membership needed to be renewed and the clerk advised us of the unopened rewards in an amount close to $150.00. The clerk saw the look DH gave me and quickly added that the envelopes the rewards came in could easily be mistaken for advertisements. Hmmm wonder what her home life is like since she picked up on that look so quickly? LOL Anyway strike two.

Now move forward to yesterday. We are loaded with specialty woods again headed for Georgia this time. Specialty woods must be tarpped which means a lot of work for us. DH decided to tarp the load at our yard in Missoula which is around the corner from the shipper. This meant that other drivers and wives, mechanics, office personnel and management are walking by while we are working. DH removed a plastic utility shelf from our ladder and was pretending or threatening to spank me with it. I said a little to loudly and moving like an errant child, but I have been a good girl. Unknown to us we were being watched and only noticed when we saw the raised eyebrow and quizzical look of a fellow driver and his wife. We just laughed because it was play between us, but still was their damage done? We do not know yet.

I need to learn not to react so loudly and draw attention to us. But he is just as guilty as I am after all he started it.

We have been playing and loving each other. Our unity is bound so tightly. The intimacy is outstanding. Yet I am always amazed that when I think there is no possible way we could be closer we become closer than ever. I feel he loves me for me and I am learning how unconditional his love is. Oh he bought me some things also I did not ask for he just noticed I needed them and bought them. I now have new hair scrunches and some dressy under ware. I really enjoy domestic discipline, although I am not looking forward to be disciplined later today

I Can Count On Him

We had our 34 hour restart yesterday in Sparks, Nevada. This weekend is Hot August Nights in Reno and we could have gone, given it was in walking distance of the truck stop. We instead stayed at the truck stop and the casino next door. We enjoyed good meals some gambling and then … LOL

This new adventure with his sadistic side in an adventure of my submissiveness and limits as well. I am impressed with his imagination. He amazes me. I also can stand proud he listens to me. He is repeating to me phrases I have said earlier in the week either from a story I have read to him or a blog of interest. TTWD, this thing we do, when he used that phrase exploded me into such pride.

When I decided to be completely honest in this relationship and be who I am instead what I thought was expected of me. I was afraid that my words would loose merit my ideas swept under the rug. I am very pleased to announce that my DH, my Sir, my loving husband listens more than any one ever has. Is it because I am completely honest with him? Is it because when I decide to say something I say it in a respectful soft and thought out phrases that are non-chastising? Is it because I trust him completely? What is the leading factor of success in this relationship I really don’t have an answer too.

I am enjoying and fulfilled in this life. When the pain of our recent decisions becomes to much I can count on him to help me. When I am filled with happiness and pride I can count on him to happy and proud with me. When I become giddy and silly I can count on him to enjoy my silliness. I can count on him.