I am in a space. It is white no windows, no doors, no definition of a room just a space. A circle of wooden straight back chairs with forms occupying them. A single chair sits in the center this is my chair. I am sitting hands folded, patiently waiting. I can see the forms in the chairs are beings and these beings are all forms of me. Each is a little different but they are all me. The child, the teenager, the young adult, the mother, the caregiver, the matriarch, the daughter, the sister, the wife, the submissive, the entrepreneur, the nymphomaniac, the chronic depressive, the suicidal, the will to live, the quitter and the fighter. All of the many versions of me sit around the single me that is my body. Spirits, ghosts, of my past, my present and my future.
This place has no definition. This place has no agenda I am aware of this place is home to the many versions of me. A spirit though appears she is over us all. Floating about with crooked nose, warts and knots on her skin. We, the many forms of me, can see through her transparent form as she circles us. She is an elder or a leader. She controls my destiny.
Her transparent long hair flows behind her and her ugliness exudes from around her and I feel fear. She is my controller, my puppet master, she determines who will be alive and who will stay behind. Each day I begin my day in this room all the versions of me waiting for a chance to control my thoughts and my body. Sometimes I only have one version operating me and sometimes there are 2 or 3 fighting within me on the same day. We do not always fight sometimes she choose versions that compliment each other, those days are good. The days she chooses to put the conflicting versions together tears me apart and makes me sick. My mind cannot take the turmoil.
She still is swirling the air above and her choice has not been made. This ugly creature is evil. She hates me I can feel it. Her control over me is a game for her. She loves to watch me fight to survive when she puts Suicidal me with Chronic Depressive me and she takes me to the brink of death.
Today she chooses to mix my world and blind me to her choices. Geometric shapes begin to fill the room. They come closer and float out of reach moving away as quickly as the approach. The center me begins to feel very small and then very large as the shapes dance about me. Colors and Dots join in and begin to dance around me. I feel nothing in my heart but my stomach feels sick. Vertigo begins to rise within me and my hands feel num, big, clumsy. I am unable to touch or feel the objects around me. I can not place my fingers around the dancing items. My body grows large then small over and over increasing the sensation of vertigo.
I finally stop.
She has chosen the spirit of ugliness has decided my day. I begin my journey into today not knowing what parts of me will prevail. Then the trigger is pulled. The events unfold and I am greeted by chronic depression and suicide. My two worst enemies, the two parts of me can destroy my will. They can pull me under and I find I promote those that love me to hate my very existence.
The fatigue in my soul makes this day too surreal to move through. I want to give up I do not want to fight this again. I just want to close my eyes and let my life end.
I am full of frustration. I am angry my emotions run the rampant river of rage and self loathing. My self control is lost. This new place is strange as I see my children’s father across the room his new girlfriend next to him. There is a kitchen table between us and I stand next to my husband. The table is filled with can goods and bills. Everyday expenses of life, my anger builds inside me at the former lover before me.
I pick up the cans and I begin to throw them at him. I am strong. My anger rages within me and I am on a mission to end his life with the cans.
He screams in pain as I hit him. His girlfriend stands and watches unable to comprehend the scene.
He becomes coherent in his screaming, “Control that crazy person.” He says to my husband.
My husband reaches to control me and I fight him. Although my frame is small I have strength in my anger the adrenalin pushes me on. I pull away from my husband and continue to plummet my ex with the cans. Watching him begin to cower my heart finally feels vengeance. I feel relief that I have beaten him. I feel power and justified.
My husband again tries to control me. With the power of justification though I become weak, I begin to cry. The sadness envelopes me and I leave. I leave them all there in that room with my destruction. No one follows, no one tries to stop me and I continue my journey to end the control of the ugliness that enables my life.