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Taking My Submission

My communication skills have been lacking. I have to credit to my DH he has been diligently making sure I communicate the last few nights. My bottom is sore and I have a sneaking hunch this weekend it will get a lot sorer.

 

My biggest fault is not discussing my feelings. I bottle them unwilling to admit them to myself or to him. Then this whole cycle of depression, anger and frustration begins we grow apart and then have to struggle to reconnect, which means I have to start talking. I am a quiet soul I do not ramble on for hours discussing everything I see or think. Being that as it is I choose what I do speak about carefully. The words matter and are important, yet I leave out the really big things.

 

There lays the problem the big things. As my butt was spanked last night for stewing my DH said, “He is guilty of not discussing things that bother him either and that he would also try harder to be better about it.” Yet he stews for shorter periods of time than I do and his frustration does not last for a month at a time. He thinks about it, makes a decision and that is that or we discuss and make a decision. He is a team player in all parts of his life including me in everything.

 

My children’s welfare was put in jeopardy financially by my ex-husband and mines past neglect of a financial crisis. The arrangement we have between us is to ensure their needs are met. When the situation began to unfold into a second crisis and threaten my children’s needs. I immediately went into stealth mode not talking but thinking about what I could do to increase income and security for my children. That is not a bad thing but when those thoughts are not shared with DH and I stew with perceived conversation instead of actual conversation I do not give him the opportunity to discuss ideas and help find the solution.

 

I know why I kept silent. I love our DD household. I was afraid that discussing my need to make money and the possibility of coming off the truck would threaten that dynamic. I was afraid that miscommunication would occur and I would end up ruining our dynamic. During this time though of internal strife I was submissive as a robot but not feeling submissive at all and while trying to prevent upsetting our dynamic I did exactly that. I upset the dynamic.

 

I am very submissive today. The spankings that have occurred lately have been well placed and my backside is still red and sore. I know tonight I will probably receive yet another funny thing is I look forward to it as much as I dread it. I look forward to the communication it brings forth. I look forward to the connection. I look forward to giving my submission and my DH’s acceptance of  that gift.

Spanking for Emotional Clarity a Question

 

 

I saw a cartoon today, a spanking cartoon that brought up an issue for me. In the cartoon the Dominant says “I know you want this spanking to stop but I am not hearing you give me a good reason for me to stop. This is about honesty and until you have learned to be honest this spanking will continue.” Although I have that in quotes I paraphrased the line from memory.

 

Wow! When I first saw that line I thought I would love to hear my DH say that to me. Make me be honest with myself and with him. Then a question popped into my mind, is expecting my DH to spank me until I become completely emotionally honest with myself and with him a healthy thing. Psychologically is this healthy that I would want or think that a spanking could or would bring me to be honest with myself and with him?

 

I am a writer and during the past month all areas of my life have suffered while I was emotionally stagnate in anger and frustration. I performed my submissive duties much as a robot doing exactly as told. My sex drive dwindled and since I am a naturally quiet person everyday my DH knew I was in deep thought most days but did not know why. Of course soon he grew tired of making love to a robot with the emotional out put of Rosy Palm and her five sisters. For a good month though I got away with me deep concentration and robotic behavior.

 

I am finally working my way through all the anger and frustration of my situation. I did get the punishment spanking I deserved and it was enough to connect us and I began talking. The question remains though am I wrong to expect my DH to spank me until I become honest with myself. Honest with him yes a spanking is do, but what if your not being honest with yourself, is it right to expect a spanking to clear things up for you emotionally so you know what is going on with yourself?

 

What are some other opinions about this?

Struggles

Struggles

Relationships are not always easy. A Domestic Discipline marriage is not immune to struggle. Does being a DD relationship make those struggles easier? That could be debated just as much as any political hot potato that currently exists. I am not going to debate that issue. I think for us DD keeps us talking, keeps the communication open and a solid place for us to return and reconnect.

 

This past month or longer I have been doing as asked and been a good wife, but I lost my sex drive somewhere amid the stress of life. Part of it I am confused in my head and heart. I so want to be near my children and I think this time of year brings that need to a full boil of hot water for me. It is easy to forget the reasons I chose to move into the truck with my husband. The reality that my parenting skills were hampered by a severe depression is easy to put aside. I choose not to think about during this time of struggle.

 

I have to face reality though. I may be doing really well right now thinking clearly. I am definitely not depressed, but the reason for all this positive change is my DD relationship, the routine of living on the truck with my DH and the clarity of distance. I am a better Mother when I can communicate with my children from a distance and have clarity on the situations they present to me. My children are benefiting from my clarity and common sense. I am a better Mother in this circumstance.

 

Let us see where am I going with this. I am experiencing anger. I become so angry at DH for listening to my ideas and the change in our plan then gives credible reasons or discussion that are good for sticking with our current plan and goals. I know deep in my heart he is right, but does that make it easier? Nope. I am angry with my wander lust spirit. I don’t understand why that is such a big part of me. During this time of year I cuss that side of me instead of embracing and enjoying that part of myself.

 

Last night after discussing my feelings and stuff in general I was the recipient of a spanking. I knew I needed it. I submitted without qualms of my submissiveness, although I did not feel submissive. DH did not hold back and it hurt. I raised up a few times and begged for him to stop then quickly reminded myself that fighting him was not submission and reassumed my position. I never let go of my anger though. I could not let the tears flow and the tension release. I submitted to him in other ways also and I experienced an increase in sex drive, yet my anger remains in place.

 

I have tools to deal with this self-destructive anger. I am using them I am actively utilizing them now, but for the past month I have been stewing instead. Maybe a daily spanking is in order? Combine the psychological tools, spiritual tools and the DD relationship tools and get us through this. Good news I am communicating and writing so that is a good positive sign that on my more personal side I am doing my part to work through this.

 

 

 

His Birthday Spanking

I have been rebellious. Our new addition Stormy a black lab puppy has put stress in our connection time. Regular spanking or love making has taken a back seat to the puppy and her needs. Sleep deprivation was a factor also until I realized our puppy had a bladder infection. I had been getting up with her at least once a night to go outside with her. When you live in a small place like an diesel truck this means I had to get fully dressed take her outside walk her and then bring her back in get undressed and settle her back down to sleep. So 30 minutes at a minimum to care for her needs. When I realized her problem I started her on a half dose of AZO once a day. The problem is clearing and now she has so much energy she needs a lot of exercise, but she sleeps through the night. 

That was one cause for my rebellion. The other was a series of hurt feeling and stress of our financial situation. DH takes care of our financial management, but we still discuss it and I am fully aware of our situation at any given time. I get to feeling useless in my inability to earn money or not make enough of it at the time.

I have published my first novel The Phillamanteca; The Story of Jane a parallel story of how I felt about my life from 2002 through 2008. There is a piece of me in all of the characters and I identify with each one. You can find my published novel available in most ebook formats here. It will also be advertised and available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble sites beginning December 1.  The sales will help us financially as I continue to self promote and the general public realizes my ability to tell a story. To read a selection of my short stories you can go to Teresa Wilkinson The Storyteller. This is also my personal blog outside the domestic discipline lifestyle.

When we began our DD lifestyle I was embarrassed to admit I submit to being spanked and figured it was better to keep this our secret. I never told my vanilla lifestyle friends about my BDSM lifestyle so why would I tell them about this. When I read Laura Doyles book ‘The Surrendered Wife’ I became simultaneously became active in a yahoo group that supports women in this lifestyle ‘The Surrendering Submissive’. I choose to use my erotic fiction alias as my alias for this lifestyle posting.

Everything above is stressful. Living this life and then having to back track because of life changes was extremely stressful on both of us. Living in the vanilla world as a writer and living in the D’s world as someone else is stressful. Yet everyone is complex. No one identifies with anyone completely and this lifestyle is the working blueprint for how our marriage works.

DH had a birthday yesterday. I was not and have not been submissive for a matter of weeks. DH had not pushed me to be submissive, he never does. My submission is my gift to him, if I am feeling less than submissive he respects that. I don’t break our rules so discipline was not a factor. I have just been distant. Yesterday I asked him though how he wanted to celebrate his evening. Of course he wanted to give me his Birthday Spankings. I honored his request and submitted. I wish now I had been able to submit these past few weeks. We are connected again. Because of the puppy he did not take me to tears and the emotional release that brings but he satisfied his need. When he was through I told him that during the spanking I wanted to go the full round. I did not want it to stop until I was crying and talking. That will happen soon, but last night it just wasn’t possible there were too many neglected needs and time was not our friend.

Domestic Discipline is a gift of understanding in our relationship. It is also a learning process. We now know he needs to take me in hand not because I have been bad, but to keep me connected when I let life circumstance hurt me and us. We could have been through this portion of misunderstanding quicker if we had stopped sooner and took care of us. Life is a learning thing though, we make mistakes as a couple and we learn together. I knew I was skirting close to the side of my personality that destroyed my first relationship, but I did not have the energy to stop it.

Happy Birthday to my DH and thank you for the Birthday Spanking.

Domestic Discipline or BDSM Ut Oh!?

I don’t know why I have been so serious on this blog. Maybe it was the growth chart of domestic discipline lifestyle. Incorporating the new ideals and seeing if the shoe was a true fit so to speak. Well it is a good fit and yes we have tweeked it some to fit our particular marriage. I guess there will always be questions about this lifestyle and how it works, but do questions always need answers?

 One such question that has been on my mind; should I look forward to being spanked? In a domestic discipline lifestyle spankings are not meant to be pleasurable. So in the essence of purity to Domestic Discipline, no, I should not look forward to a spanking. Do we spank for pleasure? Yes Is the pleasure spanking different from the discipline spanking? No it hurts I cry we unite. Do I misbehave to get a pleasure spanking? No.

I suppose some of you are scratching your heads trying to figure that at. Believe me I don’t understand it all the time either. Am I nuts I have to ask myself? The connection is the point. There is a connection to my submission and the spankings. It has a lot to do with cleansing my spirit and him releasing frustrations. We cleanse each other through the experience. A shared experience of pain and pleasure uniting us in a harmony of thought and desire that unites us in this experience.

I know soon I will be the receiver of a spanking. Gagged to keep my cries muffled, submitting to the strikes of his hand and eventually the spoon to my bottom. I will feel the fire burn on my butt cheeks as the emotional release builds within me. My will to submit to him taking me through to the opening of my spiritual cleansing to the tears of emptying my doubts, fears and pent up emotions. He in accepting my submission and beating my butt to a rosy red glow, feeling the warmth rise to him and watching the marks rise on my skin from the eventual spoon he will use. He will release the stress that builds within him. We use each other this way. We unite through the experience.

Is this Domestic Discipline or BDSM? I think this is what Domestic Discipline is for us. He is the leader of our family. I am the nurturer I release myself to his command and follow his guidance. I trust him with my heart my soul and our financial, physical and emotional well being. I know what he does is what is best for both of us. If he needs to spank me to release the tension then I am the instrument to receive that from him. I take it and enjoy my ability to help him.

 

I am not a disrespectful woman. Yes I get snippy and I can whine but I don’t do these things in public and he spanks me when I do deserve it, but there is another element as I addressed above that is the connection. Is this maintenance I suppose but maintenance is not only for the woman. It is also for the head of household. It is the unity of an experience and the confirmation of the alignment of our house and our relationship.

31 Miles to Needs Met

Riding in our 18 wheeler rolling down the road at a pleasant clip I do not want the wheels to stop. I know what is coming when they do. My ass will be his.

Do not misinterpret my feelings or my words. I love this lifestyle. I love being his submissive. I love having him be our head of household. I love that I have consequences this life is easy for me. I understand it. I flourish in it.

When it comes to the hours before prior to a spanking my heart quakes, I desire it I want it but I know the pain to come. I know it will sting, hurt and burn. I know it will be tender the next day. I want to be reminded every time I sit down for the next day that he spanked me. It is the waiting, the ride to the destination of spankville that kills me.

I am not looking forward to a spanking, not in the hours just before the due date no. My butt begins to feel warm and the mere feeling of my jeans across my ass feels raw and treacherous. It feels as though the skin knows what is coming and the nerves are already reacting.

I was so caught up in desire yesterday I worsened all this on my self. In a moment of succumbing to the pleasures of his fingers and touches, I blurted out how I craved for him to torture my body I wanted to please his sadistic desires. Yes I know silly me I said that to a sadist.

Now I am writing this knowing the miles are passing, the moments getting closer that my not only my ass will be afire but my entire body will fill his needs. I am delightfully frightened. I trust him with all of my soul I trust him. I am worried though that I may not be able to process the pain as I should. That I will hurt when I should have control, I need this I need this release, but I still am frightened.

I need tears I need satisfaction I need to feel. 31 miles to go and I will get my needs met.

Rebellion Haulted

Twenty-three miles from Barstow and one hundred 32 miles to our delivery site; yesterday I posted about my need to be bad. My need to be controlled and punished unmercifully, about that here and on a Yahoo site I am a member of.

I received some good advice. 1. Just because I feel or have a carnal need to push his buttons. I don’t have to act on impulses take the high road. Behave like a good submissive.

I for the most part have been taking the high road. What I had been doing was soft snide remarks and disinterest in sex. I have been submitting but not really interested. This is not me. I love sex vanilla or alternative lifestyle sex I will take anything from him I can get.

Last night I apologized for my behavior for pushing his buttons and the envelopes. We did not discuss it at the time. He had other things on his mind. This morning I opened up. I made sure he was busy driving. I wanted time to talk about this. I wanted to discuss ttwd and my current fight within to make him fight for my submission.

This brought up a who he is why he lets me get away with stuff and how he feels he is not. I just don’t see the little corrections he does as corrections of my behavior. Primarily because we usually laugh about it and I correct my behavior immediately usually. The past 14 days has been tough. I have been rebelling and we talked about that too.

I told him or reminded him of my frustration and what I believe I need from Domestic Discipline and TTWD.

He said, “What you want is for me to tear your ass up. Take you apart to a crying sniveling mess and put you together again.”

Me, “Yes, I do.”

He said, “I can do that.” Including an evil laugh and grin.

That evil laugh and grin are not fake and nor was it meant to make me laugh. I did not laugh at all. This exchange brought fear, excitement, dread and longing all to the surface. My husband’s sadistic side bubbling to the surface in ecstasy of the freedom to express his true personality I smiled a little apprehensive. We continued toward California.

There I sat tears in my eyes, lump in my throat, a pit in my stomach and a knot in my chest. The feeling as though if I had a tail it would be tucked. I am getting what I asked for. When he gets time, which will be later this afternoon after we unload and shower, I am going to get it.

I road another twenty to thirty miles now contemplating all the new feelings. The frustration has subsided but I have opened up the gates to a spanking that is going to hurt like hell. Honestly I am not happy about that, I am happy that my acting out will end.

I though being a woman and feeling the need to discuss my new apprehension, desire and fear. I needed to tell him I was not looking forward to the pain of what I had asked for although I knew I deserved it. I also told him I wasn’t telling him about my new feelings in a plea for leniency.

He also had been sitting there through those miles thinking. He says he is going to be more diligent with maintenance. He finally understands my needs a little more and my need to connect with him on a regular basis. He understands my frustration. He will set up a schedule and be more diligent with that schedule.

So what have I gotten myself into in these past few weeks; he is expressing his sadistic side, I am a domestic disciplined wife, we have graduated to implements, and now we are going to maintain my discipline and our connection with regular maintenance spankings. The biggest thing I have volunteered little alabaster butt for is a spanking that will be more intense than anything I have ever experienced.

When I look at him and meet his eyes I see a flicker of excitement, mischievous delight, and something else I can not define. I may get by with just a spanking that takes me a few steps farther than the one 2 weeks ago. He may very well take me apart and put me back together. It is his decision. We are learning about ourselves and each other through all of this. OH for the record I have not acted out, been snide, or talked back this entire trip since our conversations this morning. Maybe that will save my backside a little.

Rebellion in the Wind

Rebellion in the wind is biting at me. I really enjoy our lifestyle ttwd is my anchor. My husband is my anchor but rebellion is boiling. I have been making little jabs and pushing him back. He has been for the most part letting me get away with it. Maybe this is a growing pain?

I am getting hints though he is growing tired of my attitude. He hasn’t told me I am cruising but the look in his eyes that silent communication between us tell me I am on the brink of correction. Does this make me happy to know I am on the brink of correction? Somewhere deep within I suppose it does. My subconscious could be directing my conscious mind to rebel.

It wouldn’t be beyond my mind to do this to me. To express my carnal need to be dominated by my husband, my lover. The question though if my rebellion of sorts is an expression of carnal need and desire isn’t that exactly what domestic discipline is not about?

Domestic discipline is a household outline for a marriage a boundary defining model. Carnal need of a woman to be disciplined is not in the rule book or outline so to speak. We as women are suppose to honor our husbands with our submission and our obedience to his capabilities to lead the family.

We are basically not suppose to push the envelope. I know maintenance spankings should cover this carnal need maybe. This time though deep within I want him to take it. I have the passion or the need to see him upset or angry with my behavior. I want him to be impatient and take his head of household position instead of accepting my submission to his authority.

This whole mixture of feelings has me feeling a little crazy. Yet at times when I rebel and talk back or get snide I internally admonish myself for acting and misbehaving yet I feel powerless to correct the behavior myself. BDSM is a willing act between two people in an agreed scene or mutual adventure of trust. What I want is way beyond that ideal too. I don’t want to talk it out and agree to a scene.

I think this rebellion is about pushing his buttons so hard he gets frustrated enough to force my behavior correction. I want to feel his wrath subconsciously. So consciously what is wrong with me? Why would I push the envelope when I know it is fundamentally wrong with any of the lifestyle definitions we participate in? Anyone else ever experience this?

A New Day A New Start and a Spanking

This thing we do happened to me this afternoon. Over his knees butt shinning and completely submitting to his will. I did not get spanked because I had done anything to deserve it. I got spanked because I asked for it literally. I am trying very hard to work on my recovery. I am trying to put to rest the demons that haunt me.

The craziness has been affecting everything in my life. The ghosts and demons of my past filtering in at inopportune moments and taking my mind away I have been doomed to sit in silence and fight them alone. TTWD when he takes control and I submit to him, be it the sheer dress he loves, BDSM or a spanking, I am assured of his love for me, his passion for me and his willingness.

My husband is willing to experiment and help me conquer my illness. It does not matter if it is my mental health or my physical health he is here to help. This is a love affair where I know I would lay my life down for him he also would give his life for mine. We are a team. A team that is inseparable.

As I try and take baby steps to control my mind. As I move forward to write at the caliber I am truly capable of. As I work to mend the hearts I have broken and the worry I have caused in my family. My husband will be beside me. We may be a Domestic Discipline house hold, he may be the head of household and the leader of our small family, but he is also my teammate as any captain or leader should be. We all have jobs.

I know that no matter what I do or how much I struggle to regain my spirit, my mind, my life. My husband is beside me holding my hand, supporting me when I fall, and spanking my bottom when I deserve it and when I ask him to.

The Path

My DH and I have traveled very different paths to find each other in our mid lives. Our backgrounds are similar and completely different at the same time. He was 7 ½ in 1966 when I was born. In 1977 I was 11 and news of the hostages in Iran rang in my elementary school classroom. DH was a marine in Okinawa, Japan on alert waiting for the President to either send them into combat or stand down. The 80’s found me as a high school student and eventually care taker of my grandmother, while he became a father.

We are together now although we are from different experiences in time. Our views of history and opinions of actions taken are seen from different angles at times. All couples though have these differences. Our intimacy though is seen through different angles of different lenses.

When I make a mistake or step off our path I feel I should be punished. I feel he should take me in hand and correct it. He knows, in his wisdom, that no one punishes me more than myself. He waits for us to talk about it. He listens to how I analyze my mistake in conversation with him. Then he gives me his opinion and ideas. I see it through his lenses and angles. He in turns sees what happened through my lenses and my angles.

Domestic Discipline has taught us to communicate honestly and openly. We calmly explain our points and visions. He is still the leader and he makes our decisions but I feel validated that he actually listens to me. That my words are not swept under a rug and forgotten, I also see how well he listens when he comes up with something I told him about and either gives it to me or utilizes my idea. He is quicker to praise me when I have done well.

This thing we do has brought us closer and our intimacy is above anything in my experience. This lifestyle choice is bringing me slowly out of the shadows of despair. My mind is beginning to feel sharper and appreciated I feel valued. I am also beginning to write again. A craft I though my disease had taken from me. So off I go into another facet of my life a happy disciplined wife.