I am frustrated. I know I should not be. This thing we do is at his discretion not mine. He is the leader of our family. I am the submissive The whole point to domestic discipline knowing your roles. I am to accept the discipline or non-discipline action he sees as best. I am supposed to understand and trust his decisions.
I do trust his decisions. He is doing a much better job of handling our lives and goals than I was. I believe that this is best for us and he is a strong and capable man. I am not questioning that at all. What am I belly aching about now?
I messed up. Friday I threw a temper tantrum, I was pissed and threw the bungies I had in my hand on the ground and stormed off to get Mia out of the truck. It was not just him and I working together I did this action in front of other truckers that work for the same company as he does.
You may be asking what made me so mad act like such a brat. So here it goes I am hard of hearing. We were in the middle of tarpping the load I spoke of yesterday. There was this young kid, George, maybe 28 to 30 years old. I am 40-something and this kid is as old as my oldest boy that I raised. I am also hard of hearing not deaf just hard of hearing any back ground noise and I am deaf basically. Put into this picture we are standing between the front of the trailer and the cab of the truck with an auxiliary
power unit (APU) running on the back of that cab.
DH says, “Fold the flap under.”
I don’t hear exactly what he says because of the APU it takes me a moment to look at what he is doing and understand what he wants me to do. Now that process takes a moment longer than actually hearing what someone wants you to do. Well dear George steps in takes my job and pushes me aside like I am an idiot.
DH and I believe that “A wise man listens and a foolish man speaks.” George had been a speaker and his friend Niko was worse. Both of these kids know everything about trucking.
Niko was dumb enough to say, “I have been there done that and have hauled every kind of load there is to haul.”
After all of that to be treated like an idiot, I lost my temper.
DH comes off of the trailer and around where George is and guides him away from the truck. I thought DH was just going to stand there and talk to this young person for a while, which aggravated me more because I wanted to get done with our work take a shower and get as far away from these two young people as fast as possible.
DH says to me, “Why don’t you open the cab and let Mia out?”
I threw my bungies on the ground got Mia out of the cab told her to go to her Daddy and I picked up my bungies and turned on my heel to the other side of the truck out of site of my DH and these young men.
I with anger in my heart began to bungie down our tarp and finish that side of the trailer. I was seething with anger. I do not like to be treated as though I have no brains. Maybe I am sensitive because I can not perform the work I studied because I can not deal with people because of my illness. Maybe it’s the fact I can not hear and the perception of deaf and dumb.
DH comes around to my side of trailer “Mia gave me a two bagger of poop.” I glare at the tarp and keep working.
DH says, “Hey you’ve done a really good job over here finishing this up.” I showed him some places I need help or had questions about and we returned to the other side of the truck to finish up. The two young people were gone. DH and I finish I still feel angry.
He again tells me how impressed he is with my work. I tell him I want to take a shower. He agrees and I go to the shower. Although I am mad I calm down while in the shower and I feel better. I also know I have been disrespectful and should be punished. I pushed that to the back of my mind and did not worry about it.
Our day ended quietly and we went to sleep. I was not angry when we went to bed. I was not angry when we woke up and honestly I had forgotten all about being angry. Then I read someone else’s blog post about confession and not allowing yourself to get away with stuff because it is the same as lying. I brought up my anger to DH. We went over the events how I perceived them and how he perceived them.
When George took the tarp from me, DH finished what he was doing and came around to my side of the trailer not to have a conversation with George but to move him away from me. DH told me he would have been mad too if George had done that to him. He knew my anger was really about those two young men. That I was tired of listening to their comments and discussion, DH also said he understood. I asked him why I had not been punished for my anger. “I don’t deserve it.” he said.
Now writing all of this out I see his point. I did throw the bungies on the ground like a brat, but I took my anger and did something constructive with it. I let him handle George and I did not attack DH with my seething. I controlled myself. Wow maybe DH does know