Our Domestic Discipline Lifestyle

Archive for June, 2011

Monday

Don is on his way home. I am busy preparing to leave with him. I have made 2 comfortable dresses to wear in the truck. I need to do the 3 hour pickup on the house and I am anxious to see him.

We run our home on a domestic discipline/surrendered wife platform. Which means Don is the head of household. We discuss things of importance but he has the final say so.

I am apprehensive and excited to his return though this time. I know I crossed our line during his absence this time.

Our domestic discipline lifestyle entitles Don to take his head of household duties to an extreme. I crossed a line that will get me a spanking, I lied to our landlord. I have a problem with telling lies. I have had this problem since I was very little.

While telling my landlord Don was on his way to pick me up and I needed him to include the backyard in his gardening. The landlord asked what happened to me to cause Don to rush home to pick me up. Why was I going with him? I could not tell the landlord that I was having depression issues again and Don was taking me with him to calm my mind. So I lied and told him there had been a family crisis and I was not doing well.

I told Don what I did, I know the consequences and my tail is tucked like a puppy that piddled on the floor. I have a mixed stomach of fear, remorse, and love. I know I will be spanked for this big error and some little ones that have stacked with it. I know I will cry, Tuesday morning I will be spanked I have no questions about that, I am both scared and anticipating it.

I need to cry. I need to let out all. Wednesday morning will probably be the next time I will be online so until then. Be safe.

A Submissive Heart

My heart beats wild,

Thump-thump-

THUMP

My mistake not mild.

Thump-thump-

THUMP

I try to shake,

Thump-thump-

THUMP

A tear in its wake,

Thump-thump-

THUMP

How can I need?

Thump-thump-

THUMP

A whip for a steed.

Oh my Dear Dominant,

Thump-thump-

THUMP

Is it not prominent?

My need for direction

Thump-thump-

THUMP

Give me Correction.

Your forgiveness

Thump-thump-

THUMP

Gives me Completeness.

The Proud Submissive

The title alone probably set some women on a tirade of explanative words. My life, personality, spiritual or personal being has no mark on their femininity or progressive political ideas. My proud submissiveness is not political in nature at all. My proud submissive personality is about accepting me for who I truly am. I am basing my choices on my admission that I am a submissive. I love to give more than receive. I am not a door mat, I do not want you to cause me pain or sorrow but my role in life is to be a worker not a leader and that is good for me.

I believe civil rights are about freedom of choice. The women and minority liberation movement was not meant to make me be something I was not, but it was about expressing who I truly am and the freedom to do that under my free will.

I was not meant to be a leader. I have assumed that role when I had to, but psychologically I have had not done well when my leadership role was for extended periods of time. The stress of leading has caused me to mentally breakdown. I can lead, but I am better as a follower or worker bee.

I am a Caucasian, 40 something woman, a mother, a step-mother, a daughter, neighbor, volunteer, friend of the library, environment, children and animals. I am a lover, a human, I can fight and take flight. I also know how to provide shelter to another and I can listen. I am of moderate intelligence and I know who I am.

The reason I am writing this article is for other women and I. If you are a man and you are a submissive you are welcome to read my thoughts, but remember this is from my point of view. I have no knowledge or idea of how a male submissive would react or deal in our society.  I am writing this because I have been through years of chronic depression sometimes suicidal feelings of failure because I felt shame for not being able to maintain success as a leader.

I was the first chair violinist in the orchestra in high school. I did well in this position as the conductor of the orchestra was the true leader and I was just the concert mistress. I was naïve and took this to be more. I thought I was leading and I pursued that position through my early adult life. I was so disappointed at not being on the top when I began college and being lost in the pool of other violinist I dropped out of college and put away my violin forever. I found no joy in being lost in the group. I felt shame for not being good enough for 1st chair. I did not want my peers to see me in the back.

I let shame rob me of joy. I strived for success so my family would continue to sing my success of leadership. I pushed and I failed, I rallied and I failed, I took on projects I knew nothing about and would not admit I had no knowledge and I would fail. I would begin a relationship and throw it away because the man was not strong enough. I was stronger without him. I was floundering. I kept thinking I am a leader that is where I am suppose to be I am not a follower. I was following everything my parents, my teachers and society told me to be. I was not following my heart or my soul. I was lost inside. I was unhappy. I was ashamed of who I truly was. I was a closet follower wearing leaders’ clothes. I was not honoring myself.

I finally by accident found a good relationship. I married he lead and although I did not recognize it for what it was he was my leader. We had a wonderful marriage, success, two great kids and love. I made a terrible mistake I still did not admit I did not want to lead. He never admitted he flourished as the leader and when he started me in a business I flourished until he became ill and I became the leader of our household. Then it all crashed.

I lead again and as he regressed into his illness I became crazier and crazier. I felt lost inside. I would yell and scream. I couldn’t cry that was a weakness I could only show anger when the true emotion was fear. My husband was sick I was head of household and I was lost. The marriage failed. The business failed and as I was reeling into a complete mental breakdown and hospitalization he moved on to a less crazy woman. My ex-husband became healthy and I fell into chronic depression and tried to commit suicide. My leadership had cost me everything and I ashamed.

I do not do well alone. I met my new husband on a job. I was leading my portion of this job and I was faking it really well. I had a posture and a demeanor of power and strength, a pure load of manure, but I had been wearing this mask for so long everyone but me believed it. My soon to be husband did not see it either we were both lonely the only two single 40 pluses in the group and we took a chance on each other. I gave him a laundry list of illnesses mental and physical. I gave him the complete rundown of why he should avoid a relationship with me and he stayed. We married a little over a year later.

The only thing I did not tell him was I am not a leader. When I finally admitted to myself who I was it took me another year or so to tell him. It took me well over 40 years to accept myself as submissive it took a man who loves me less than 2 seconds to support me.

My story is about self-acceptance, finding happiness, letting go and grabbing a hold. I am sharing my true self. My hope is that my story will help someone else. There is no need to feel shame for not being a leader. There is no shame in expressing yourself. Follow your instincts and follow your heart.

Bye for now,

Anabel